Catching up!

Hey ya'll I just want to do a catch up post because I have been neglecting the blog.  Well, first off I having been living my poly life.....traveling and spending time with my wonderful partners in New York and Maryland/ D.C.  One of my new years goals/resolutions I made was to see and spend time with them as much as possible since last year there was so much time that we didn't spend with each other due to our schedules and work. It sucked and I promised that I would see each one of them at least once a month. Whooo, I know that's a tough one right? Financially really but that's something I wanted to do. So I've been on and off the Greyhound for the last couple of months (despite the fact that I loathe the Greyhound!)

Tomorrow  I'll be traveling once again to Washington D.C. to visit two of my loves. It will be a new experience because I will spending time with them both separately and I'll be flying in this time. Two whole awesome days to be with people who I care about. As the days count down I feel myself get happier and the anxiety grows. Just thinking about them and their smiling faces makes me beam with joy. Three weeks later I'm supposed to be traveling to New York to visit and spend time with my other partner.  Yes, I'm a busy poly bee.


I have also started a new poly project. I call it Black Poly Visual Representation because while searching for stock photos for this blog actually. I couldn't find any black people or couples when I just search for the words "black" and "polyamory". I also spoke out about the need for positive representation in the media and the need for society to see more black and POC representation in so called alternative lifestyles(whatever that means..*insert eye rolls*)  So I mulled the idea over and posted it on my social media and got some feedback from my wonderful meta who's been there along the way to give me advice and ideas. I wanted it to be a visual presentation so I thought about pictures and a slideshow that may possibly be set to music along with information on the participants such as the poly configurations.  If you're interested in participating here is the link Black Poly Representation Project

Boundaries within relationships

I've thought long and hard about what this means in relationships, mainly poly relationships. Boundaries are necessary and needed of course in any type of relationship. You have to"draw the line" somewhere. Some things are acceptable and others really aren't.  Last month's Black & Poly meet-up was on the topic, however we didn't get a chance to really discuss the topic in depth.

I thought of the topic at the prior meet-up when one of the group participants said something and I said well would it be a boundary to ask your partner not to have sex in the bed you share? He said no that is an actual rule. I thought to myself what???!! How is that a rule when it's a clear boundary in a relationship? We had a discussion about it further and then I just so happened to start reading the chapter in More than Two, that defined boundaries concern your self: what you are alone, and others may access only with your permission.   But we can divide personal boundaries into two rough categories: physical(your body, your sexuality) and mental(your intimacy, your emotions, your affections)  " Genuine boundaries recognize that others make their own choices, and we do not have the right (or ability) to control their choices.

On a personal level I realized I had to reevaluate where my boundaries lay with all my relationships and also set new boundaries with partners who I had previously had a different type of relationship( i.e. BDSM) More Than Two gives examples of boundaries as:

• I will not be involved with someone who is not open and honest with all other partners about dating me.
• I will not have unbarriered sex with partners whose sexual behavior does not fall within my level of acceptable sexual health risk.
• I will not become involved with someone who is not already committed to polyamory.
• I will not remain in a relationship with a partner who threatens me or uses violence.
• I will choose the level of closeness I want with my partners' other partners, subject to their consent. 

As a solo poly person I haven't had to state my boundaries to my partners but I know that there should be constant talks surrounding our own boundaries and what we will do and what we will accept.  We all must remember that boundaries in any type of relationship are necessary to maintain our own personal autonomy and self respect. 

Valentine's day as a Solo Poly Person

Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays next to Halloween and my birthday. I'm sitting her watching A Charlie Brown Valentine and I'm thinking about growing up and Valentine's day as a kid and a young adult.  Of course love and romance didn't mean the same thing as it does now but I reminisced about getting cards for all of my classmates and receiving cards and candy during our classroom parties.

Fast forward thirty years and I'm here a solo polyamorous woman in multiple long distance relationships. So how do I celebrate this day of love? I'm extremely romantic and I love to show my partners how I feel about them all year long. Unfortunately all of my partners live in different states so being together on that actual day isn't possible. To be honest, I\m sad. I'd love to spend that day or that weekend with them but because they all have separate lives and obligations I won't be able to. **inserts sad face**   I did remedy this situation by scheduling time this month to visit each of them for the weekend.

Last weekend I was with my partner in NYC just hanging out and doing our thing. I love how I feel completely at home with him. His apartment feels like I'm coming home in a way.  My visit was filled with memories of brunch and sight seeing and visiting several places in the city.  Quality time is one of my love languages and I felt so loved and happy just being with him and having coffee and talking.  I can definitely feel the love coming from him all the way from New York State.

The weekend after Valentine's Day I'm scheduled to visit my other partner. I'm planning something romantic with a few surprises.  The romantic in me wants all the chocolate, roses and amazing sex.  Another one of my love languages is gift giving. I love to give and receive gifts, especially when it's a surprise. it shows that my partner has taken time to think about me and he or she has taken time to really think about me and what I truly may like.

 This year I plan to do special things for all my loves to let them know I'm thinking about them on this special day.  How do you celebrate Valentine's day as a polyamorous person? I'd love to know....

Your vibe attracts your tribe

Happy New Year! I know I'm a bit late but It's 2019 and the saying "Your vibe attracts your tribe"is what I'm screaming all year long. My personal tribe is made up of awesome people who excel in their personal and professional lives, even my metamours all are awesome people who're doing great things in life as well.

Your vibe attracts your tribe has several meanings to me.  My vibe is my personal attitude as well as  the direction my life is going.  I know that life can hand you lemons and everything isn't always going to be positive but generally we all(my partners/metamours) have a positive attitude about life and how things are going in our very separate lives.

I think it helps to remember this when seeking out new connections as well. It's helped me when I was monogamous and it has helped me find and seek other partnerships over the years. I prefer to be in relationships with people who have similar goals in life.  It's not to say that everyone you meet or decided to possibly add to your life shouldn't have different ideas and different goals.

I think that having a pretty positive outlook on life in general helps to attract people overall.  You may of course attract people that have a different mindset and goals than you overall and that's fine too.  My growth has made me realize that it's okay to see the world differently. It's okay to place values on different things than me.  We're all "rowing" towards something, not against the current that we call LIFE.

Where Should I begin..books on Polyamory

When I started my poly journey I wanted to read anything and everything about the subject. I didn't even know that there were so many books about polyamory or non-monogamy.  On a personal level books are very important for me. I'm naturally very curious and when I want to know something I look directly for a book on the topic. Growing up books were my way to learn about the world as well as a form of entertainment when I was bored and didn't want to watch t.v.

For people coming into this lovestyle, I recommend several books. As I've learned more about myself, I realized I prefer nonfiction books on the topic, even though I've read a few fiction books that show polyamory/non-monogamy in a good light.  Last year  I started writing reviews of books about Polyamory for Black & Poly online magazine. The title of this post is for those newbies who come into polyamory not knowing where to begin. They ask questions that could be answered within a book. I think to myself, Why would someone ask a question to a bunch of strangers when they could just find it out themselves? I guess that's how I think. I'm not very keen on getting advice from other people.

I now realize in certain situations it's good to hear other perspectives because you won't get all the answers from books. And of course there are the lived experiences that help us learn as well.  I simply champion for books on the subject simply because most mistakes that I see newbies doing can be fixed simply by reading a book or two on Polyamory. And when you read also you may learn a few things about yourself. I will admit that I am and can be very introspective, especially with a topic that I find interesting. Reading books on the subject has helped me learn how to process things such as jealousy, learn about compersion and also become better at listening and communicating overall.

So here's my list of books that I recommend everyone to read on polyamory:

1. More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.  I consider this book the poly "bible"! It's one of the first books I recommend. It's full of advice on so many topics and the authors give their collective lived experiences as well.

2. The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton.

3.  The Game Changer:  A memoir of Disruptive Love by Franklin Veaux. You can read my review here

4. Love's Not Color Blind by Kevin Patterson. You can read my review here

5.  The Polyamorist Next Door by Elisabeth Sheff. You can read my review here

6. Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by  Deborah Anapol

7. For Hire: Operator by Kevin Patterson and Alana Phelan

It's called ETHICAL polyamory for a reason..I'm not cheating with you!!!

Hey everyone! So I'm back and I have a few things to say. As you can see from the title of this blog post it's about the ethics of polyamory and people trying to get me to cheat with them. Of course that's a no go for me. On a personal level I've had several men assume that just because I identify as polyamorous that it's a free pass for sex.  Most of the culprits are men who I've had relationships with in the past. The relationships ended and we parted ways. Fast forward years later and they sneak back into my DM's or inbox of Facebook.

They never want to rekindle a romance it's always about sex. Being demisexual, I'm instantly turned off by that even though I've had sex with these individuals in the past. "Things change and so do people" is one of my favorite sayings. Their relationship status changed. They're monogamous (or so they say).  It's the late night texts or when their girlfriends are away that they want to "see" me again.
The ethical person in me is pissed. Dude, you signed up for monogamy and this woman trusts that you're faithful to her, I want to scream at them.

I refuse to participate in his cheating. What type of person would I be, I ask myself. I wouldn't want anyone to do this to me, I think. I think back to my monogamous days and the thought of my partner cheating on me made me mad and sad. I couldn't be that woman. That women who only thinks of herself and not the consequences of my actions. The actions that may hurt someone else in the process.    Ethical non monogamy is defined as all parties are being treated respectfully, and that enthusiastic consent to the arrangement has been given by everyone involved.  With that being said I refuse to cheat with you!!! Don't mistake my polyamory as a scapegoat for you to fuck around on your wife or girlfriend. 

I'm out and I'm PROUD!!!!

I recently saw a few posts about being "out"and how it affects you and your partners and your overall life as a poly person.  I've always felt like it was a revolutionary act to live and speak your truth without worrying about society and how they think you should live.

I came out as a bisexual women at 21 years old. Of course then I  was young and naive and scared to tell my family about my new girlfriend. At that time I considered myself monogamous, but I secretly wished for a boyfriend or some type male energy to "balance" me.  Of course at this time I felt like I someone needed to balance me, but in truth I was really just polyamorous.

I told my family who my girlfriend was because I was simply tried of lying. Tired of lying that this person had came in my life and I loved her.  You can only tell people that this person that you're spending so much of your intimate time with is simply your "friend".

Now fast forward till the present day, I post articles and pictures showing my support for my LGBTQ identity. I want to show the larger society (through social media) that being bisexual is normal. Normalizing any other type of lifestyle other than being a white straight Anglo-Saxon is a proverbial slap in the face to society.  Being out and proud about all my identities is a silent protest that I and others who are out to the world do on a daily basis.

Once I saw that post in the group it had me really thinking about why being out coming out and staying out is important. I know people have their reasons why they can't be out. I know most of the time people have worries regarding their jobs, or if they have children.they worry about them being taken from them by people who may deem them unfit because they go against society.  I'm very lucky because I don't have those worries or concerns. I'm very lucky also because the people who I love accept me for me and not for my lovestyle choices.  My sexuality and my lovestyle choices are very small parts of who I am overall as a women living in the U.S.

I'm simply out because I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud of those who I love and those who I've loved in the past. I also don't live my life for others. My life and my journey is simply mines to live the way I see fit. I'm a PROUD poly bisexual black woman!!!!