Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships or (LDR's) for short are both a good thing and a bad thing in my opinion.   Hey, ya'll I'm back and I wanted to discuss a topic that's close to my heart so to speak....long-distance relationships.

I'm currently in several LDR's, and with the exception of one of my poly relationships, this has been the only type of relationship I've engaged in.   I started thinking about how I feel about being in multiple LDR's today particularly because I'm missing my partners and I really wish I could have a few cuddles or have a romantic date night.   I will admit sometimes being in an LDR works for everyone because of our work schedules and family life.   All of my partners work full time,some have businesses to run or have other obligations such as kids or family members to take care of so it would be difficult to see each other if we all lived in the same city.  The more and more I thought about these types of relationships the more I recognized that they work for me.

They work for me mainly now for several reasons. One of the reasons is that the poly dating pool in Northeastern Ohio is small and the Queer poly dating pool here is even smaller.  I had to ponder this when one of my partners and I were talking and they said they didn't like that I got lonely some times.  After thinking long and hard I realized the amount of b.s that I may possibly endure looking for someone it wouldn't be worth any of the hassle. The older I get the less tolerance and patience I have for nonsense.  I know it's already difficult to date when you're straight and monogamous.

They remembered and recognized that my love language is Quality Time which I was so happy and grateful for.  My definition of quality time is really spending time with my partners and people who I really truly care about. But the amount of time and frequency isn't really important because it's with people who I truly value.  The infrequency of my visits with my partners isn't really an issue with me because I know when I see them the time spent will be cherished like no other. Every single second spent is and will be an experience that will bring me joy. Making memories during those times leave a lasting impression on my heart.

The realization that even if I had a local love we'd still be under time constraints from our jobs and family life put things in serious perspective.   Are you in a long-distance relationship? Are you hesitant to be in one?  Please comment and let me know.   Thanks for reading!!!

Mononormativity

Mononormativity...what is it actually? I learned this term through a page I follow on Facebook called Naturally Polyamorous.   I was confused until I read a definition of the term which is "Of or pertaining to the practices and institutions that privilege or value monosexual and monogamous relationships as fundamental and "natural" within society.

Through the years of my practicing ethical non-monogamy, I learned that mononormativity is the assumption even among polyamorous people.  Mononormativity for me is like being on the relationship escalator.  The relationship escalator is The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.  For most monogamous people the clear goal is marriage and children. That's the clear goal of some poly folks as well.  But stepping off the relationship escalator is one of the ways we can dismantle the practice and concept of mononormativity within our community.  Even though the majority of people coming into non-monogamy/polyamory are coupled, there are single people who still want to find nesting partners, possibly have kids/more kids and then get married.

All of this is good for some people but like the definition says it's a societal norm that we still hold as the model of our relationships.  Personally, I identify with the solo poly movement and those who practice relationship anarchy.  In my opinion, it is a way to silently break these cultural nuances and remove certain ideas surrounding our relationships as poly individuals. Some examples of mononomativity that I've taken from the Naturally Polyamorous page:

1. "When you only have one "love", one focus or one option then you will do what you can do to keep things balanced but when there are more options when there are more loves when there is MORE the way you think about balance shifts."
2. When you tell people that you have more than one lover, they often reduce one or the other person to an option. 
3. In the monogamous world to consider anyone as an option is to make them less than, one of many...never "THE ONE".

I love this quote that she posted on the Naturally Polyamorous page which was "My lovers are an "option" because I like to have choices. They are an option because I do not own them. They do not own me. We don't own each other, rather we CHOOSE each other over and over again without losing ourselves or our options."   Whewww chile that's a word right there! That statement speaks volumes in itself because monogamy is so much about choosing and controlling your partner in my opinion. 

Book Review: Stories from the Polycule: Real life in Polyamorous Families

Hmmm, I've been seriously mulling over how I feel about this book. Certain parts of me loved it while other parts of me didn't like it because of how polyamory(or how the person discussing their poly family/lifestyle),portrayed it. I was irritated and frustrated a few times while reading the book but then I had to remember that these are individual experiences and I can't invalidate them just because it sounds really bad and puts polyamory in a bad light in my opinion.The author(s) Elizabeth Sheff and Tikva Wolf did a pretty decent job compiling stories, poems drawings and essays from poly families overall.

 Here's a blurb about the book that I thought was helpful: Welcome to the polycule: the network created by the interconnections of polyamorous relationships. Just like the molecules that make up all living things, polycules come in diverse forms: large, small, tightly bound, loosely connected, static, ever-changing. How do polycules form, what do they look like, how do they transform through time, and how do they, sometimes, end? The first of its kind, this anthology brings together stories, poems, drawings and essays created by real people living in polycules.   I'm constantly trying to put polyamory on the forefront, constantly trying to normalize it. I do it primarily to show society that it is just as good as monogamy. However, my inner self also says I don't owe it anyone and you should just live your life. Also, I'm speaking out publicly to reduce the stigma surrounding polyamory.

Elizabeth Sheff edited this piece and while I think she did a good job, I don't know why she felt the need to include two stories,one of which was her own, talking about monogamish relationships. WHY WOULD THIS BE IN AN ANTHOLOGY ABOUT POLYAMORY IF YOU AREN'T POLYAMOROUS???? I seriously want to ask her this because it's pretty asinine! Being Monogamish is not polyamory.

It's not even under the non-monogamy umbrella in my opinion. No offense to the author or anyone who likes her but I don't think she could call herself an expert at polyamorous relationships. She went into a poly relationship under duress basically and that's how things get fucked up and folk's feelings get hurt. I'm still happy overall that I read this book.

Black Poly Pride

It's June and that means it's Pride season for some of us.  Being a part of the LGBTQ community as well as being poly can sometimes mean community but sometimes it just feels like we're a very small group of people in this huge world.   I normally don't do groups on social media for varying reasons. Most of them include the fact that very few people participate, there's always drama or the topics are focused on people just coming into polyamory. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm better than anyone or anything like that but I do feel like I've spent enough time on topics such as jealousy and unicorn hunting/triads etc.    I really want to be in a group of poly black folks who can discuss topics within polyamory that are deeper than the normal stuff.   

And yup I said, poly black folks! Why would I want to create a space for poly black people you may ask? First because of racism. If you've read a few of my posts, I've( and a few other people) have experienced racism in the poly community.  On top of the racism, there are subtle microaggressions that we deal with on a day to day basis.   I've been intentionally wanting to create a safe space for polyamorous black people.    I realized we need a safe space full of our peers to let our hair down and to not have to constantly code switch or fear being fetishized.   Sadly, that hasn't been possible.  It feels and seems impossible to create this space for us.

Why is it so I wonder? Even when we have these spaces we don't participate or we fall back and just lurk.   I feel that any time I'm on social media or in my life period, I'm doing things for a reason. I'm very calculated and intentional with the things I do.  Before a particular group, I was in disbanded, I made a poll and specifically asked people why weren't they participating in the group.  Within a few minutes, I saw that several people saw the poll but didn't even bother to answer it. I was thinking to myself WTF!!! You mean to tell me that you saw the poll and couldn't take a few seconds to respond to make the group better????

That whole situation fueled my anger and it also made me think.   It made me think about the black community as a whole really.    some of us complain that we don't have anything for US blah blah.   But when someone intentionally makes a space for us there is little to no participation. Is this a vicious cycle?   Long story short on the social media group, It was deleted due to the low participation amongst other things.  That situation made me kinda sad.   Then I was on Facebook today and saw a posting from a page I follow, Loving Solo.    The post was talking about a black poly pride event.   I immediately went to the website and saw that it was a whole weekend of workshops dedicated and featuring black polyamorous folks.  It immediately made me happy and I wanted to know if I could possibly make it out to Dallas. Then I found out that the date was next weekend and I myself would be out of town celebrating Pride events in a different city.

I had to know if there would another event like this next year so that I could attend. Now I feel happy and I haven't lost all my faith. I see that I'm not the only person trying to make spaces and community for black polyamorous people. So I will continue to try and make these spaces available to those few who want to be a part of a community, of family and to tell our stories.

Hey for anyone who's interested in Black Poly Pride event, please visit their website here

Highlighting US!!!

After the poly visual representation project I did a few months ago it sparked something in me. It sparked a real desire to highlight black polyamorous people.  A few of the folks who participated have blogs, Youtube channels, social media pages and websites dedicated to their poly journey. I'd love to share that with others and my hope is to have more black poly folks start blogs, websites and events that highlight non-monogamous relationships.

• Loving Solo This blog is written by the lovely Roselyn.  She highlights her poly journey and life from a solo poly perspective.  It's definitely a breath of fresh air to see SoPo black folks living their best lives!
• Black & Poly Magazine   This website has been a gem to me and I highly recommend it to any black poly person. It's full or articles, movie and book reviews that focus on polyamory and non-monogamy.
• Black Sex Geek  Ruby Bouie Johnson is the main presenter of this page.  She states "This page is dedicated to expression, support, and advocacy for people of color within the community, state, and nation. This page is designed for the dissemination of news, politics, and sexuality education."
• Poly Phamily Values  This Facebook page showcases a black poly family and their life. I had the pleasure of including them in the visual representation project as well. 
• Lavitaloca Sawyers  A seriously dope poly individual that is out,loud and proud about her polyamory...the good and the bad. 
• Poly Role Models An Instagram page ran by Kevin Patterson who is the author of two books; Loves Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and other alternative communities and For Hire: Operator. Also, if you have tumblr visit the polyrolemodels.tumblr.com page.
• Poly Collective  An Instagram page highlighting black poly events in the DMV and surrounding areas. 

Happily poly saturated

I'm sitting at work thinking about my poly life and I've come to the conclusion that I'm currently poly saturated. The definition, if you didn't know what it means is "Polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships or new partners because of the number of existing partners, or because of time constraints that might make new relationships difficult". All of those reasons are why I'm poly saturated at the moment.   Even though I'm poly saturated  I'm so happy. I feel this contentment and excitement deep within me. I have AWESOME people in my life. The connections that I've made within the last six months have just made my whole life feel satisfying.

 Personally, everyone I'm involved with isn't a partner in the traditional sense but those individuals in my life bring me joy. I can talk to them freely. We share life's ups and down.  They're my personal cheerleaders and they all have been there when I was having a rough time and all of this is vice versa

This is probably the best thing about being poly. The sense of belonging to this tribe of interconnected people who all have this collective goal but we're all living our lives.   I feel this freedom and this happiness within me and that's all that matters, right?  I've been asked by several people how do I manage it? How do you give your partners time?  It's easy I tell them. Every one of my partners requires direct levels of communication and attention. We all lead very busy lives with work, family and other personal and professional projects that we are working on.  But we all manage to call, text or FaceTime.  I'm so happily poly saturated with love.

Breaking up

Breaking up is really hard to do.  I've sadly had to break up with a partner and I've also been broken up with so I can understand both sides of the coin. In a perfect world, or in my mind, relationships wouldn't end and people would work out their problems and differences but we don't live in a perfect world. Sigh 

This past year I had two relationships that ended for varying reasons. Time constraints and needing and wanting other things were a few of the major reasons.  And to be honest when those relationships ended  I was in emotional pain. I mourned the loss of those relationships. I mourned the loss of the things we had shared and the possibilities for the future as well as the loss of that person in my life.  I don't feel like there's enough talk within the poly community surrounding breakups and the loss of relationships.   I don't think most people realize just how hard it can be. I know people think just because you have more than one partner losing one isn't going to affect you but it definitely does! 

  I've had to pretend like I'm okay after a break up when in fact I'm not. I'm seriously hurting. I've had to "put on a brave face" to mask my hurt.   My other partners know and try to help me work through it as best they can but sadly, it's a situation that you have to work through by yourself.   I just want to shoutout my partners (and everyone else's partners) who've been there during and after a breakup. You guys are the real MVP's!!! Thank you so much.   I want to thank my partners M and V for both talking to me and hearing me out during the tough times and just being supportive.  Thanks for being there while I cried on the phone with you. Thanks for being there when I texted you trying to figure things out. I'm grateful, so very grateful for you two.    I wrote an article for Black & Poly magazine last year the first time I experienced a poly break up. If you want to read it here's
the link

Last year when I wrote the article I was operating out of pain and experiencing those raw emotions first hand.  I didn't even know what to do or how to process everything that was going on.  Instead of experiencing and feeling, I tried to ignore my feelings until I received a comment and some great advice.    I was simply told to feel and experience all the emotions and not to hold them in. That comment was extremely profound. So I took the advice and processed those feelings surrounding the breakup. By doing so it helped me understand the relationships and the motivations surrounding the breakups.    Have you experienced a poly breakup? How did you heal from it? Are you still healing and if you are how has the process been?