What is a Partner?

Hey everyone, I've been pondering this topic and after an interesting conversation I want to examine how we define who is a partner.  I've used the term partner in the past to mean someone that I'm involved with. I guess you can say the concern and entanglement that comes along with it.

 My partners are people who I really care for on so many levels. They are people who I want to hear about what's going on with work, their friends and family and they're also people that I have sex and  intimacy with. They are the people who I've cried with, laughed with and shared myself with in very deep levels.    I don't call just anyone my partner and I don't get involved with people without thinking about their potential in my life.

I asked this question to members of my group of black non monogamous queers and received some very affirming yet different answers, Some of them included:

"I  typically use partner for people who i have long-term life entanglements with, and take them into account when making big decisions.

"I use partner for people I'm in a romantic relationship with"

"After negotiations. We have to physically sit down and agree and talk about anniversary expectations."

I've also called my favorite people my Boos and my Baes.  On a personal note their really wasn't a full on conversation as to WHEN we would start calling ourselves partners. It was more after several months of interactions both in person and on the phone.  But I constantly come back to the monogamist idea of needing those titles as a way to distinguish from just a friend or a close friend.   How do you define partners?

Love in the time of the Corona Virus

Hey y'all I just wanted to do a quick post on handling your poly loves during this time. The title is a play on a book and movie title that got me inspired to write about being in poly relationships during social distancing. It's been hard on me because I'm not able to travel and all  of my partners are long distance. 

A few visits have been pushed back even farther as a precaution. It's definitely a good idea to keep everyone safe but I've been needing my partners more than I've wanted to admit. I guess I'm touched deprived. I'm normally not touching anyone but I have a social life so those social interactions help me get my dosage of "people". I'm an ambivert and I need my personal alone time to recharge my social battery but lately I've been recharging and just trying to deal with not being around people.

A week ago  came across an online community for people in long distance relationships called lovingfromadistance.com while I was looking for new cool gift ideas of activities to do with my boos. The first thing I noticed within the community was that it was monogamy centered.  I felt slightly let down so I searched the forums and only saw one post about Polyamory/Ethical Non-Monogamy.   On a positive note they have so many article on activities, gift ideas and questions you can ask to get to know  your LDR babe.

In my opinion I'd say just weed through all of the stuff that may not pertain to you or the things that don't interest you.  I'm definitely gonna take advantage of some of the games and gift ideas to let my special people know how much I miss them.

 

The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory (Book Review)

I initially was skeptical to start this book even though I heard the author discuss it on one of my favorite podcasts, Polyamory Weekly.   Then years later I  found  for free at my local  library both as an eBook and audio book, I started reading  it as an  E-book but found that it was easier to listen to it during the day at work. Normally I  like the voice of the person reading  the book, but I'm not sure  how I felt about the person who read this book.
She read it like she was reading a steamy sex novel and not a nonfiction book about non monogamy and alternative lifestyles.  I was slightly irked.

My main pet peeves about this book are that I feel like the title is a misnomer. The title makes it seems that this book is geared towards women looking to get into polyamory when in fact that's not it. I was highly disappointed when I found that out as I read further.  The book is for newbies and those looking to open their relationship up however.   Also a passage in the book seemed more "tone policing" in my opinion. The author said she started a "Just Be Nice" campaign in regards to disagreements or conflicts with partners.
The "Just Be Nice" campaign basically is being  nice no matter how you're feeling in your relationship for 90 days. 

I was shaking my head and thinking the whole time while reading this. Just ignore your feelings and put on a fake smile and be nice?  That's not a healthy way of communicating and it's pretty passive aggressive.  I think I'd be upset if one of my partners put on a fact smile no matter how they were feeling then months later tells me how mad I'd made them or how hurt they were by my comments.

What Did I like about the book?
I liked that the book had exercises at the end of the chapter pertaining to the topic that you can work through on your own. Most books have separate workbooks that you have to purchase to be able to even work through all the topics that you might want to revisit and spend time processing.  I also liked that the author included the LGBTQ community and POC in the conversation. I'm definitely for inclusion.


All in all I was pretty disappointed in the book. I wouldn't recommend it a person trying to get into polyamory at all.

Transitioning Relationships

I've been going back and forth with myself on how I should write about this topic. Over the last several weeks I've been  trying to think of a word or name for someone who's now my friend that I've been in a relationship with previously but now we're more than friends.  Whew that sounds like a mouthful right? But I have relationships like this, relationships that have transitioned into something other than friendship but not a partnership. They may or may not include romance or sex.  While I was considering how to frame that very question and what specific name I should give to this type of relationship one of my partners decided that we should be just be friends due to life circumstances.

This transition has been rough for me. I have so many feelings surrounding this relationship and this relationship transitioning because of my strong feelings for this person and how I envisioned us in the future.  I've cried and been sad and honestly mourned over this transition. I had so many questions why the relationship needed to transition  but I had to come to the conclusion that relationships end and sometimes they transition but nothing lasts forever. I became curious about how others navigated these types of relationships so I posed this question to members of one of my online poly groups. I'm happy that I did because I  came out it with even more insight.  I also had more questions surrounding the topic of transitioning relationships and what it meant to me on a personal level.

I had to unpack why I felt the need to put any type of title on these people in my life? Some of the most important questions were:

• Why  I need specific titles for people who I'm involved with in whatever capacity whether romantic or sexual?
• Do I have that need  for specific titles because of monogamous thinking?
• Did I actually take this need from when I was monogamous, Is it something subconscious?  
• How do those titles play any significance in my life as a polyamorous person? 

I'm a solo polyamorist but I also have some Relationship Anarchy leanings.  I found this quote about relationship anarchy and it spoke to me.

"Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything - it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you."  ~Andie Nordgren

One part really hit home for me. I don't necessarily need any titles for the special people in my life because it's all about designing my own commitments with those specific people.

What's going on in 2020?

One of my many goals this year is to attend poly events, mainly those that center black/POC people. If I can't cultivate that space and experience here then I'll travel to other states to attend these events. I saw an article posted in a group on Facebook and wanted to share with anyone who was interested.

The full article is here. It list events all across the country and world but I'd like to focus on those events that are centering us. Here is the list so far:

Atlanta Poly Weekend  June 2020 in downtown Atlanta. Here's a link to their home page link.

Black Poly Pride  June 4-7th 2020  Washington, D.C.  Here's a link to their Facebook page for more info.

Poly Dallas Symposium  July 9-10th  2020 Dallas, TX link to their website.

I'd like like to attend all of the events but I know I can't. Let me know what events you plan on attending. Also, if there are any events that you'd like to add please let me know.

Happy Poly 2020

At the end of last month, I planned to do a whole "year in review" sort of thing but as I tried to find words to encapsulate how I felt about the year those words never really came to me. So I deleted the draft today and started over. I've decided to free write all of my blogs and then edit them. I think I've been writing from a writer's point of view and not from a person's point of view. I've noticed my writing can be a bit like I'm writing an article and not speaking to someone.  That's the purpose of freewriting. I'd like to show more of my personality and who I am overall with my writing as well as inspire other POC polyamorous/non-monogamous folks to blog about their lives and experiences.

So what can I say about last year besides the fact that it had its ups and downs? Well, I ended a relationship, started a relationship and picked back up the lost relationship. That sounds like too much right? Lol, it was but then again it wasn't. Some of my relationships got stronger. I learned a few things about myself along the way as well.  Every year I learn more about the person I am and the people who love and support me.   I've been brimming with pride and love most. Some people will never know or understand how it feels to have more than one person who truly loves you. More than one person you can celebrate all of your triumphs with, More than one person to visit and experience different things with.  It feels absolutely amazing!!!

After a year of being the group owner for Black & Poly Cleveland, I decided to step down and disband the group. I felt sad but I was also frustrated. After a whole year, people still weren't showing up to the meetups. I thought maybe it was the location or time then I realized no matter what any time or location won't be good for some people. We may not be ready for this here in Northeastern Ohio, no matter how many people say that they are. People, especially us black and brown folks, just aren't out and doing things within polyamory. I would blame certain things like conservative living and the weather but I won't. I simply wasn't going to waste more time and energy on the group. I did meet a few cool people along the way and the overall experience was positive. I'm grateful for the experience and will add to the "life experiences" pile.

Stay tuned because I think this year will hold more experiences and adventures.

Emotional Intimacy

A few days ago I saw an article posted online that sparked something in me. It sparked all these thoughts and feelings about intimacy within all of my polyamorous relationships. The article is entitled "How Long it takes to develop emotional intimacy in a new relationship". You can read it here. While most of my current relationships aren't new, once I read the article I had to process several things and I had a few realizations along the way.  One thing I realized about myself is that I've been impatient with a few of my relationships.

The article pointed out that emotional intimacy in a new relationship doesn't happen overnight.  Now I'm sitting here saying Duh to myself because this is very obvious,but my impatience has said otherwise.
One thing that this article brought to my attention about myself is that I need to work on my patience.  I've been told this by one of my partners before. She says that I rushed most of the time and I've rushed her before. I've rushed her to feel things that I've felt but she didn't feel these feelings yet. 

I won't blame society for my constant need for gratification but I was seriously trying to put some of my relationships in a "life microwave". I just wanted to heat them up in a few seconds and instantly have this hot,steamy intimate relationship that leaves me awestruck and floating on Cloud 9 constantly.   No, that isn't how it works!!! I'm screaming to myself now as I write this post.
"True intimacy must be built with patience and mortar brick by brick to lay a solid foundation",the author highlights this as well.

Also the author says " Emotional intimacy requires a deep level of trust".
Being able to trust each other has been one thing I've had to learn as well. I also had to learn that all of my partners won't trust me as fast as I trust them and vice versa.

I feel slightly embarrassed because I should know this. But I also have to realize life is all about learning and becoming a better person.   I'm constantly learning and unlearning certain things about myself. A few of those things has to do with love and relationships.
Looking back over this past year I've evolved significantly. I've evolved in understanding who I am as a Queer women, why I currently identify as such as well as how polyamory and kink fit into my life.
It's been a slight roller coaster of sorts but I'm grateful for the growth. I truly am.