I have a Podcast!!!!

 

Hey everyone! Yes, you read the title correctly, I have a podcast!!! I never wanted to be one of those "podcast people" but here I am a few months later after thinking about the idea with my forever Meta, Dre.  We both really wanted to discuss all the misconceptions about solo polyamory that's out there in the world. Even among the polyamory community, I think there are misconceptions and a bit of bias against us.  We've both heard so many negative things that you know we had to speak up and dispel those myths. 

We named the podcast Autonomously Poly, because of course that's a dope name but it also shows that our autonomy in our poly life comes first!!! I was nervous to even have a podcast. I had so many thoughts in my head like what if I don't sound good? What if we run out of topics? What if no one listens?  All these crazy thoughts were in my head for something that was supposed to be fun and a way to connect with the larger community.  We plan to put out new episodes once every two weeks. We also plan on talking to guest hosts on a few topics so tune in.  If you want to listen in please follow the link below

Introductions

Compersion: Polyamory Beyond Jealousy

 

Happy New Year Everyone!!!! It's been a long time, right? Well, I've been taking some time off and experiencing life and love and all of the above.  This book review has been in the works since last year, I'll get to the reason why it took me particularly so long to finish this book during my review.

Compersion: Polyamory Beyond Jealousy by Hypatia from Space.

"The author, Hypatia is a polyamorous blogger and writer that has intensively focused her research on this feeling somewhat unknown to most people." 

I honestly had high hopes for this book.  There's not enough talk in the polyamorous community about compersion but instead, the focus is on jealousy.  I decided to purchase it online and start reading it.,I dove right in as soon as it came in the mail. Today, I looked at my reading stats for this book and I started it on December 11th of last year and finished it today.  Why has it taken me almost 2 months to finish this book?  Well, the first reason was I didn't like the writing style at all.  I try to be extremely honest about my book reviews but I just couldn't give it anything past 2 out of 5 stars on the Goodreads app. I had so many things to say about this book that I started writing them down just so I could remember all of the things that I didn't like about the book. The book also felt very dry and didn't even excite me enough. I read several other books since starting it. 

First, I'm going to say that I've never had an issue with compersion. I love when my partners are happy and I know as a polyamorous person that my partners will be engaging with others-it's a given.  I really wanted to read this book to see if it would help someone truly achieve compersion by learning certain steps or techniques that the author provides. After reading it I'm not too sure.  I don't want to be nitpicky but here are some of the things I didn't like about the book.

• The book is very couple-centric. The author doesn't do a very good job of even thinking about solo poly folks and how they may feel.
• The book feels more like the author's own personal journey with compersion but no real clear-cut advice on how to truly achieve compersion. 
• 75% of the book is how the other person or her partner should act or do to mitigate her jealousy. For example on page 158, she says there is nothing wrong with asking your partner or metamour to take things slowly.  As a solo poly person, I found this extremely offputting. It felt like she was telling people not to take responsibility for their own feelings. 
• The author uses words and portions of other books from other polyamorous writers that seemed really good but I'm not sure if her personal story was as genuine. 
• This book really feels like the author is jealous and is trying to cover it up. She even wrote on page 229" In order to feel compersion, we  must have healthy self-esteem." As I read further I realized this was taken directly from another book.
• She constantly referred to people as polyamorous and not polyamorous people or folks. I kept on asking myself who proofread this?

There are a few things that I did like about this book and they were:

• The ending had a ton of material really discussing how to achieve Comperson. I think if she would've put this information towards the beginning of the book it would have been really good. 
• She discusses having your own user's manual to give to new partners. The user's manual idea was taken was another author and her book but it really gave great information. 

Overall the book was just meh to me. I even wrote down What has this book achieved? I'm not sure how it will truly help someone who wants to experience compersion.  I'd like to find other books on the topic of Compersion. If you have any recommendations please let me know. 

UNCOVER(ED)

 Hey, ya'll I have an exciting interview today with the creator of the new game for folks that are discovering consensual non-monogamy.  UNCOVER(ED) is the creation of Kimmy J. who is CNM(consensual non monogamists) Lesbian, pronouns she/her/hers with over 13 years of experience practicing parallel consensual nonmonogamy. She's originally from San Diego, California and she currently owns two companies within the healthcare space. 

J:  Kimmy! Can you tell me about the project and how it got started?

K: Yes! It started just this year. I noticed that a lot of people were interested in exploring consensual non-monogamy, some even opening/changing their current relationships without any real understanding of what they were looking for outside of just having more relationships. People were getting hurt, ended up being confused about their needs, felt inadequate in their own relationships, and so much more. And it was simply because they didn't know what questions to ask themselves and their partners while making a huge change. I wanted to bridge the gap and hopefully help people ask the right questions to fully understand what their intentions are while being non-monogamous.

J: Who do you hope to reach once it's complete? Are you marketing UNCOVER(ED) to a specific group?

K: I hope to reach those who are either CNM already or those who are looking into it. I would even recommend mono people give them a try because it will make them think about how they are showing up in their relationships, and how to communicate their individual needs. 

J: Awesome! When is the release date and how can we purchase the game?

K: UNCOVER(ED) is rolling out fully on October 1st. People can follow the Instagram page @uncoveredpoly. My goal and mission with this are to hopefully get enough orders to lower the price down to be able to donate a portion of the revenue to support podcasts, influencers, literature, and media that promote and benefit healthy CNM communities. I'll be taking preorders starting September 21st.  You can purchase the game on the website Uncovered Polyamory, Amazon, and Etsy stores.

J: Thanks so much for sharing this exciting project with me Kimmy!

    

Book Review: Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator:Uncommon Love and Life

 

Hello everyone! I'm back with a review of Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life by Amy Gahran.   Stepping off the Relationship Escalator came about when the author posted an online survey about unconventional relationships and 1,500 people participated.  First off  1,500 participants!!!! That's a really large amount of people when it comes to any particular study on unconventional relationships or nonmonogamy in general.   I'd also like to point out that this author is a polyamorous person.  Whenever I read books on any type of relationship style, I really want the author to have some real-life experience with the subject matter because it adds authenticity. I've read books on polyamory by people who did "research" and it didn't seem credible. 

I'm not exactly sure why I purchased the book but I knew I wanted to read another book about polyamory and post a review. I probably looked at my "to be read" list on Goodreads and thought it would be a great idea. I ended up purchasing the book and once I received it I was surprised at how many pages it is. For some folks page numbers matter.  The book information says it's 308 pages but technically the actual book ends at 282. The remaining portion of the book is a section where she cited things that were mentioned in the book and also a section that has a glossary of terms.

My initial thoughts:  Even before I purchased the book I thought the book was about how to step off the relationship escalator in polyam relationships.  Once I got the book and started reading it I understood that the book is actually for those who are monogamous and are thinking about "stepping off the relationship escalator".  I was slightly disappointed and almost put the book down because I said to myself this doesn't apply to me at all. The more I read it became clear that I would learn and get something out of this book and I did.

 The author defines the relationship escalator as : "The default bundle of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible milestones and markers, toward a clear goal".   

Everything I loved about this book:

1. The author Amy Gahran is a polyam woman 
2. The author uses some participants specific comments in every chapter of  the book
3. The book has so many topics that most books don't even touch on such as long-distance love, asexual and aromantic relationships, hierarchy, and breakups.
4. Discussion questions at the end of the chapter 

Overall I'm seriously impressed by the work that was done in this book. I recommend the book to anyone that is considering nonmonoamy, this is sure to be a great resource. 

Changing The Narrative: Black polyamorous Women

 

As a black polyamorous woman, I've always wanted to change the narrative.  Change the narrative about how the world sees us as a whole.  When Polyamory is shown in the media as a "white thing" a millennial thing" or you'll see only triads represented when in fact all races are polyamorous or are engaging in consensual ethical non-monogamy in some sort of fashion.  The idea of this book came to me when I thought about all the books I've read and reviewed and how they are all written by white people. Now that's not a problem but representation matters. People of color want to see positive aspects of this lovestyle.  My goal is to always reduce the stigma behind anything people consider an "alternative" lifestyle or way of living.  My friend and I have come up with the premise of the book as a way to showcase who we are and to let the world know that we exist and we love but we love more than one person at a time. 

To participate in this book, please fill out this  Form

Thoughts on Misogny and Patriarchy in the Polyam Community & Updates

 

Hey everyone! Sorry for the lengthy absence. I started a new job recently and it's just been hectic trying to find time to write and post. I also halted reading a few of the books I'm supposed to be reviewing for ya'll. 

One of the reasons why I've decided to halt a few of the books is because they're extremely boring as well as extremely white.  I don't have issues with white people or their stories regarding polyamory but I do have issues with this being the only narrative that's out there for people.  Coming into polyamory as a person of color has a very different look as well as feel. Being a person of color we're going to always face stereotypes from our community as well as white people.  I thought about the fact that we still lack proper representation when it comes to black stories surrounding polyamory/nonmonogamy.   I also thought about how the perception of polyamory is being a thing only men want and women are just helpless bystanders going along to keep the man.  

The idea of a book highlighting stories of black polyamorous women became a tiny spark.  Initially, I wanted to write a book that highlighted stories from black women and men, then I thought about a large amount of misogyny and patriarchal thinking within the community.   Yes, I thought people who are considered free-thinking surely must not subscribe to the societal views that a woman or femme presenting person's body and sexuality belongs to her.  I thought that male-identified individuals within this community don't assume that I as a solo-poly woman I'm a hoe or that I'm sleeping with everyone.  

There's another movement within the community of polygynous males that feel that entitlement to numerous women who will all cook, clean, raise the children, and give him unlimited access to their bodies for his sexual desires while he gives what? Protection? His manhood? Financial stability?   I've seen this attitude and thinking across several social media platforms and in groups that are open to polyamory.  To be brutally honest I don't consider polygyny or polygamy anything close to polyamory. Others will disagree and I think that's only because of the "poly" root word.  I may possibly go deeper into my feelings on this topic at a later date. 

So my question is how do we as a community actively remove these thoughts and behaviors in our community?  

Book Review: Polysecure: Attachment Trauma and Consensual NonMonogamy

 

I took a few days to fully process Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual NonMonogamy by Jessica Fern who is a polyamorous psychotherapist. It was very important to me that that the author is a polyamorous person and not just a person doing research with poly people. I appreciate the research being done, however someone who is actually living and learning as a polyamorous person holds more weight with me as a reader when discussing this particular topic. There have been several people who've written books on polyamory polyamorous that aren't even ethically non-monogamous and that just seems all wrong to me.

I stumbled across this book as I was searching for nonfiction books to read on Hoopla and the title immediately hit me. I read Polysecure for several reasons. The first reason is that I've been working on attachment and trauma in my personal therapy sessions. I also decided to read it because I wanted to understand how attachment therapy coincides with how I deal with my relationships. One of the aspects of the book that I like is it's written in a way that even a monogamous person can learn and use the concepts presented in the book.

As a matter a fact, the first part of the book strictly discusses attachment and the trauma response . The author discusses in detail about the several types of attachment theory and how we develop it during infancy and how that secure attachment or insecure attachment can affect your relationships going forward into adulthood. Polysecure expands our understanding of how our emotional experiences can influence our relationships, with an emphasis on our poly relationships. Now, that I've read the book I will be reading books that discuss attachment and trauma. I plan on purchasing a copy for myself and my partner.