Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Emotional Currency




I learned about this concept from my partner M last night. We were talking about processing emotions and how to talk to about them with our partners.  M said he'd learned a concept early on in his poly journey and it was emotional currency.   He said emotional currency is having enough emotional energy stored up to deal with emotional or difficult situations. That hit me square in the face because I generally have emotional currency when I talk and deal with emotions with my partners, but several times I've discussed really difficult situations and I literally had zero dollars in my emotional bank.

On a personal level dealing with hard situations and arguing with a partner depletes all of my emotional currency.  Talking with M last night made me realize how many times I've done this and just how harmful it can be to me and my psyche.   On the flip side, I can say that there are a few things that fill up my emotional bank.   For instance, when a partner shares with me and shows vulnerability it increases my emotional currency bank or when my partners remember my love languages and does something in response to them such as spending quality time with me  All these things fill me up on an emotional level.

I can also say that I fill up my emotional bank by processing old situations that I may not have gotten over. I would be lying if I told you that I don't have past issues that I have yet to address. Of course I do! Processing those emotions surrounding those situations can take away from my emotional currency as well "credit" my emotional account.  I didn't like my accounting classes while I was in college, but the idea of debits and credits when talking about an emotional bank rings true for me. I've been "debiting" from my emotional bank account and very little "credits" have been deposited.  My emotional account has been in the negative for awhile and now I have to do a bit of bookkeeping to figure out where I went wrong and how I can get back into good standing.  So far,writing in my  journal and being good to myself has been what has been helping me.

 Writing in my journal gives me the opportunity to write without the fear of judgement or the fear of having to explain myself or my actions to anyone.  Being good to myself is a concept that's a bit more hard to describe. Being good to myself means being a bit more understanding and not so hard on myself  constantly.  Not blaming myself for everything, and realizing that I'm human and that I make mistakes is a way that I'm being good to myself.  I also have to accept that relationships, just like life, has it's ups and downs and it's not the end of the world if I have a disagreement with my partner(s).   How do you feel about emotional currency as a poly concept? Are you adding to your bank or are you depleting it?        

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Catching up!



Hey ya'll I just want to do a catch up post because I have been neglecting the blog.  Well, first off I having been living my poly life.....traveling and spending time with my wonderful partners in New York and Maryland/ D.C.  One of my new years goals/resolutions I made was to see and spend time with them as much as possible since last year there was so much time that we didn't spend with each other due to our schedules and work. It sucked and I promised that I would see each one of them at least once a month. Whooo, I know that's a tough one right? Financially really but that's something I wanted to do. So I've been on and off the Greyhound for the last couple of months (despite the fact that I loathe the Greyhound!)

Tomorrow  I'll be traveling once again to Washington D.C. to visit two of my loves. It will be a new experience because I will spending time with them both separately and I'll be flying in this time. Two whole awesome days to be with people who I care about. As the days count down I feel myself get happier and the anxiety grows. Just thinking about them and their smiling faces makes me beam with joy. Three weeks later I'm supposed to be traveling to New York to visit and spend time with my other partner.  Yes, I'm a busy poly bee.


I have also started a new poly project. I call it Black Poly Visual Representation because while searching for stock photos for this blog actually. I couldn't find any black people or couples when I just search for the words "black" and "polyamory". I also spoke out about the need for positive representation in the media and the need for society to see more black and POC representation in so called alternative lifestyles(whatever that means..*insert eye rolls*)  So I mulled the idea over and posted it on my social media and got some feedback from my wonderful meta who's been there along the way to give me advice and ideas. I wanted it to be a visual presentation so I thought about pictures and a slideshow that may possibly be set to music along with information on the participants such as the poly configurations.  If you're interested in participating here is the link Black Poly Representation Project


Sunday, March 17, 2019

Boundaries within relationships



I've thought long and hard about what this means in relationships, mainly poly relationships. Boundaries are necessary and needed of course in any type of relationship. You have to"draw the line" somewhere. Some things are acceptable and others really aren't.  Last month's Black & Poly meet-up was on the topic, however we didn't get a chance to really discuss the topic in depth.

I thought of the topic at the prior meet-up when one of the group participants said something and I said well would it be a boundary to ask your partner not to have sex in the bed you share? He said no that is an actual rule. I thought to myself what???!! How is that a rule when it's a clear boundary in a relationship? We had a discussion about it further and then I just so happened to start reading the chapter in More than Two, that defined boundaries concern your self: what you are alone, and others may access only with your permission.   But we can divide personal boundaries into two rough categories: physical(your body, your sexuality) and mental(your intimacy, your emotions, your affections)  " Genuine boundaries recognize that others make their own choices, and we do not have the right (or ability) to control their choices.

On a personal level I realized I had to reevaluate where my boundaries lay with all my relationships and also set new boundaries with partners who I had previously had a different type of relationship( i.e. BDSM) More Than Two gives examples of boundaries as:

  • I will not be involved with someone who is not open and honest with all other partners about dating me.
  • I will not have unbarriered sex with partners whose sexual behavior does not fall within my level of acceptable sexual health risk.
  • I will not become involved with someone who is not already committed to polyamory.
  • I will not remain in a relationship with a partner who threatens me or uses violence.
  • I will choose the level of closeness I want with my partners' other partners, subject to their consent. 
As a solo poly person I haven't had to state my boundaries to my partners but I know that there should be constant talks surrounding our own boundaries and what we will do and what we will accept.  We all must remember that boundaries in any type of relationship are necessary to maintain our own personal autonomy and self respect.