Demisexuality

Demisexuality...What is it?  I can hear people asking me this question right now.  I use this descriptor to explain how I see myself  and how I navigate within polyamory. I didn't even know there was a word for how I am until I saw it somewhere online and then I'm like Ohhhh, that's totally me!

Demisexuality is defined as a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form an emotional connection.   The term demisexuality comes from the orientation being halfway between sexual and asexual . This comic describes me the best: GenderFluid-the comic 

Specifically, I want to talk about how I navigate my poly life while being demi. Being demi has made it harder to connect with people, specifically men.  I need to be able to connect with people and see how we mesh together. I want to know that we have a deeper connection and we can talk about so many topics. 

That's not to say I don't automatically feel sexual attraction for people because I still will see certain people and really want to have sex with them because that happens as well.  But for the most part I want to know the person  and have some sort of friendship established first.  I definitely don't need a romantic connection like most of the definitions say, but that's what I need and may not be what  other demisexual folks need.

Lately I've tried to date and connect with others but of course it takes so much time to truly get to know people. Society seems to want everything fast without the work. For me relationships can't be placed in the life microwave and two minutes later you have something so great and beautiful that everyone around envies you. No, good relationships require work and communication and that takes time.   Are you demisexual or fall under the Asexual spectrum?   Please share your experiences in the comments.

Also, here's an awesome resource for anyone who may think they're demisexual here.

My Evolution

I have evolved. I've realized it over the last few months. I've been having conversations with a few of my good friends about how my thinking has evolved surrounding polyamory and my overall journey.
When I first came into this lovestyle I only thought in terms of who would be a potential partner. I'd reject people that only wanted sex or only had time for a sexual relationship.  But, a few years ago I would accept that, then last year I recognized that I was demisexual.  Once I came to terms that I'm demi, I looked back and thought about the people who I didn't want to talk to or engage with because we hadn't formed a mental connection first. A mental connection for me is absolutely necessary when I deal with people. I prefer serious conversations as opposed to small talk.  I mean small talk is okay if I'm waiting on my coffee in line somewhere but with people who I will possibly share my bed and life with we have to connect on issues and we have to be on some sort of common ground.

I really thought it was me being sapiosexual, which I guess is another term people use for a mental connection. I know some people believe it's  totally a b.s. term because it's only used for people with book smarts but ,I truly prefer people who learn any way, whether it's books, articles, podcasts, documentaries and life.  I don't connect intelligence with books at all.  So with that being said,  I normally looked for people who I had conversations with and who I felt that there was a mental connection somewhere.  I felt anyone who only wanted a sexual relationship with me was using me and my body.  I don't take being used lightly, so needless to say I stopped dealing with those individuals.

Last week I was having a conversation with a friend regarding two gentlemen she liked and was involved with. She explained in so many words that she wanted to cuddle and do non-kinky things with one person as opposed to doing only sexual things with him all the time. As a friend I told her that this person may not have the capacity to do those things she wanted  him to do, them BOOM my advice hit me.

I started to think about my own experiences recently and people who I wanted more from. Men who I thought would and should be potential partners but who in fact didn't have the capacity to love me or play that role in my life.  After we talked  it made sense to both of us.  I was slightly sad and disappointed  that I removed a few of those people out of my life because they didn't fit into my mold of a potential.  I had to realize that no, everyone is not a potential partner. Everyone will not be dating material or even a cuddle buddy.    I've recently made a connection with someone who I really like.  I like our energy and conversations.   I ask myself all the time will he be a partner? Will he be a FWB or a comet? Does he want to date me? 

 I've always said I prefer relationships that are organic and that develop which ever way they develop but I realize now that I really wasn't trusting the process or my instincts on letting this relationship develop into whatever it may become. 

As I write this now I feel good knowing that every one won't be a potential partner and that's okay. People come into our lives for specific reasons and I'm here for it all.

Solo Polyamory

I didn't come into polyamory as part of a couple. Most of the people who start their journey starts as a typical married couple or a couple in a long term relationship. That's the norm for the most part within the community.   The simplest definition of what solo polyamory is taken from the solopoly.net website :  "we generally do not have intimate relationships (or are heading toward) primary-style merging of life infrastructure or identity along the lines of the traditional social relationship escalator. For instance, we generally don't share a home or finances with any intimate partners.
Similarly, solo poly people generally don't identify very strongly as part of a couple(or triad etc.); we prefer to operate and present ourselves as individuals.

When I learned about this term immediately I  identified with it. I definitely identified with all of those things but the last sentence about preferring to operate and present myself as an individual is the most important aspect of solo polyamory for me.  I think aspects of monogamy and breaking the chains of mono culture and what it truly means to be polyamorous lies in my individuality.  Don't get me wrong being in a couple and being poly is great for some people, just not for me. Monogamy and what's taught to us in society is that you're not a whole full person unless you're paired up and or married.  Marriage is the ultimate goal, especially if you're a woman. We are conditioned to believe that is our ultimate goal in life as well as being a mother.

I believe of course this is the wrong narrative for some of us. I am a mother and have cohabited with  a few of my previous partners while I was monogamous and once when we decided to open up our existing relationship,but at this point I have zero desire to do so. For the most part it's because I like my own space and my own private time. I've also never was on board with mixing finances, even when in my past relationships. It was a serious hard limit for me as a parent to young children. My sons came first and I couldn't afford to lose everything because someone else had misused our funds.  Now that my children are adults I don't have the worries but I still don't desire to mix my life with another person. 

If you want to read more about soly polyamory here are a few articles for you to read: I've also linked another blog of a cool person who I know that identifies as solopoly and writes a blog about it. So check out her blog here

Psychology Today

Solo Poly Net

7-signs-you're solo poly