Saturday, May 8, 2021

Changing The Narrative: Black polyamorous Women


 


As a black polyamorous woman, I've always wanted to change the narrative.  Change the narrative about how the world sees us as a whole.  When Polyamory is shown in the media as a "white thing" a millennial thing" or you'll see only triads represented when in fact all races are polyamorous or are engaging in consensual ethical non-monogamy in some sort of fashion.  The idea of this book came to me when I thought about all the books I've read and reviewed and how they are all written by white people. Now that's not a problem but representation matters. People of color want to see positive aspects of this lovestyle.  My goal is to always reduce the stigma behind anything people consider an "alternative" lifestyle or way of living.  My friend and I have come up with the premise of the book as a way to showcase who we are and to let the world know that we exist and we love but we love more than one person at a time. 

To participate in this book, please fill out this  Form

Saturday, April 24, 2021

Thoughts on Misogny and Patriarchy in the Polyam Community & Updates

 

Hey everyone! Sorry for the lengthy absence. I started a new job recently and it's just been hectic trying to find time to write and post. I also halted reading a few of the books I'm supposed to be reviewing for ya'll. 

One of the reasons why I've decided to halt a few of the books is because they're extremely boring as well as extremely white.  I don't have issues with white people or their stories regarding polyamory but I do have issues with this being the only narrative that's out there for people.  Coming into polyamory as a person of color has a very different look as well as feel. Being a person of color we're going to always face stereotypes from our community as well as white people.  I thought about the fact that we still lack proper representation when it comes to black stories surrounding polyamory/nonmonogamy.   I also thought about how the perception of polyamory is being a thing only men want and women are just helpless bystanders going along to keep the man.  

The idea of a book highlighting stories of black polyamorous women became a tiny spark.  Initially, I wanted to write a book that highlighted stories from black women and men, then I thought about a large amount of misogyny and patriarchal thinking within the community.   Yes, I thought people who are considered free-thinking surely must not subscribe to the societal views that a woman or femme presenting person's body and sexuality belongs to her.  I thought that male-identified individuals within this community don't assume that I as a solo-poly woman I'm a hoe or that I'm sleeping with everyone.  

There's another movement within the community of polygynous males that feel that entitlement to numerous women who will all cook, clean, raise the children, and give him unlimited access to their bodies for his sexual desires while he gives what? Protection? His manhood? Financial stability?   I've seen this attitude and thinking across several social media platforms and in groups that are open to polyamory.  To be brutally honest I don't consider polygyny or polygamy anything close to polyamory. Others will disagree and I think that's only because of the "poly" root word.  I may possibly go deeper into my feelings on this topic at a later date. 

So my question is how do we as a community actively remove these thoughts and behaviors in our community?  


Saturday, February 20, 2021

Book Review: Polysecure: Attachment Trauma and Consensual NonMonogamy

 

I took a few days to fully process Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual NonMonogamy by Jessica Fern who is a polyamorous psychotherapist. It was very important to me that that the author is a polyamorous person and not just a person doing research with poly people. I appreciate the research being done, however someone who is actually living and learning as a polyamorous person holds more weight with me as a reader when discussing this particular topic. There have been several people who've written books on polyamory polyamorous that aren't even ethically non-monogamous and that just seems all wrong to me.

I stumbled across this book as I was searching for nonfiction books to read on Hoopla and the title immediately hit me. I read Polysecure for several reasons. The first reason is that I've been working on attachment and trauma in my personal therapy sessions. I also decided to read it because I wanted to understand how attachment therapy coincides with how I deal with my relationships. One of the aspects of the book that I like is it's written in a way that even a monogamous person can learn and use the concepts presented in the book.

As a matter a fact, the first part of the book strictly discusses attachment and the trauma response . The author discusses in detail about the several types of attachment theory and how we develop it during infancy and how that secure attachment or insecure attachment can affect your relationships going forward into adulthood. Polysecure expands our understanding of how our emotional experiences can influence our relationships, with an emphasis on our poly relationships. Now, that I've read the book I will be reading books that discuss attachment and trauma. I plan on purchasing a copy for myself and my partner. 




Sunday, January 31, 2021

Happy 2021!!! What Next?

 


Hey everyone!, 

It's been a few months since I've written in the blog.  I definitely got caught up with life and the holiday season.  The planned post for  December never happened unfortunately.  One of my goals was to talk about the year and  do an end of the year type post.  I also normally write goals for my poly life and the blog. 

I feel like 2020 was just a crazy time for us all and I really don't want to take any more time to relive it so I'll speed right along and talk about some of my goals for the new year.   Immediately one of the goals that I thought of was to read and write more books on polyamory to review for the blog.  If you've been following the blog you know that I love reading anything that discusses polyamory or ethical non-monogamy.  A few of the titles that I've been reading and plan on reviewing soon are Polysecure: Attachment,Trauma and Nonmonogamy , Poly Land: My brutally honest adventures in polyamory and Polyamorous Love Letters.

On a more  personal note, one of my goal is to develop more intimate relationships with my partners through a cool game I found on social media called The Intimacy Deck by BestSelf Couple Card Game.  I've played the game during our video dates and it has made a big difference in learning things about my partner that I never knew. There are six different prompts that will spark up silly, inciteful or steamy conversations.  I plan on using it to get to know any of my new partners and will use it as an icebreaker. If you're interested in the game I suggest you Google it and purchase it from the retailer of your choice. 




Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Polyamorous Poetry

 


Hey everyone! Long time no see. Most of you don't know that I'm a writer.  I really love writing short stories but I also enjoy writing poetry when the mood hits.  I wrote a short story involving polyamorous characters a few years ago but it was never published in the anthology that it was going to be in.  I'm considering posting it to my blog for you guys. If you'd like to read it please leave a comment and I'll post. it.  The short story isn't what this post is about however, sorry to go off on a tangent lol.   

I want to post a poem that I wrote recently called "Comet".  The definition of a comet in the polyamorous community means " A person that passes through your life repeatedly who is intense and awesome, and when gone you are still in contact with that person in some way, but they are not a continuous partner.” 

Last week I thought about a few of my past relationships and I realize that they were/are comets. I wrote this poem shortly after that. 


   Comet

I'm coming in hot and fast

Speeding towards you when

I can fly by your part of the country.

But I don't want to only come

around once in awhile.

I want to be your star in the night sky.

I want you to see me constantly.

I don't want to be your comet

Only encountering you once

in awhile.

When I crash to your part of

the earth, it's heat.

Non-stop fire between us.

Dazzling and beautiful 

we crash into each other like

Star crossed lovers...my Comet

I blaze into your atmosphere......

I remain hot because you ignite a flame in me so hot that

I burn bright until I see you 

again...my comet. 





                                       

                


Friday, August 7, 2020

Romance in a Long Distance Relationship

 

Hey ya'll! As most of you know, most of my relationships are long distance.  As a poly individual, being long distance has it's benefits as well as having it's downsides. I've written about that in a prior post but I wanted to highlight romance and romantic relationships that are long distance. I truly believe that old adage "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."   The Rona has made it hard to see my partners as frequently as I use to. Everyone was very worried about my safety with traveling so our plans were put off. 

I'm a romantic at heart. I seriously love showing my partners attention by giving gifts or send special personalized things their way to let them know I love them and I'm thinking about them.  I'm currently in a new long distance relationship with a wonderful woman who has made me want to send all the gifts and cute little things to brighten her day. 

I've been wanting to strengthen the connection as well as send gifts to let her know that I'm thinking of her.  I found a few more ideas online on how to be romantic with your LDR partner(s). Some of them are: 

  1. Send good morning texts
  2. Plan date nights
  3. Send photo texts
  4. Pay attention on phone calls
  5. Send a care package
  6. Surprise him/her with a visit
  7. Always have the next visit planned
  8. Make sure to laugh together
  9. Video chat with one another
  10. Send an email or snail mail love letter
  11. Talk, text/email romantically

As I searched the Internet for ideas, I found this site that gave 50 Long Distance Relationship Ideas to keep the Spark Alive.
Probably one of  the first websites that I learned about revolving around Long Distance Relationships was Loving From A Distance.  This site is full of gift ideas, forums and advice for people who are in long distance relationships. The only issue I've seen so far is that the site primarily caters to monogamous relationships. I've seen a few posts within the forums that have questions about poly long distance relationships but overall it is monogamist centered. I hope this helped you in maintaining the romance in your long distance relationship or even given you the courage to start a long distance relationship. 


How to Keep a Long-distance Relationship Strong | Long distance relationship,  Long distance love, Long distance relationship quotes



Thursday, July 30, 2020

"Trying Polyamory"



Hey ya'll! It's been awhile but I'm back.  How's everyone been doing and functioning during COVID a.k.a. "The Rona"?  I've been attempting to just function in my everyday life with work and family. I've developed a new relationship with a wonderful woman and a few of my relationships have fell by the wayside and transitioned.    If I would have wrote that this time last year I don't think I'd be so calm or brave. I've had some growing up to do and soul searching as well as realizing nothing really lasts forever and time truly heals all wounds.

Okay so let's get into this topic. A friend of mine posted a meme on social media a few weeks ago that made me want to write about this topic.  It's not like I haven't seen this " My boyfriend/spouse wants to "try" polyamory what should we do?  I used to be very sympathetic in the beginning until I realized the potential damage to the community and other people.  Most people who want to try polyamory don't do any research  and they don't read books or articles on polyamory/non-monogamy, so they go into it totally blind.

Going blind into different situations can be okay but I feel like just jumping into polyamory can hurt people emotionally in the long run.  You definitely have to unlearn monogamy. Monogamy is so ingrained into us that we can make mistakes and won't realize that we've made a mistake until it's done damage to the person you didn't want to hurt.

In my opinion I've become a better person and partner by reading books and articles on polyamory. I've also been listening to Polyamory Weekly, which is a podcast that discusses topics around polyamory.  Now don't get me wrong, I've learned from experiences as well,but it's been with that  knowledge that I learned how to recognize and fix the problems in a healthy manner.     My favorite saying is "Trying polyamory without reading and studying is like jumping into the deep end of the pool and you don't know how to swim."

It's as simple as that.   Some people try to learn just by group interactions, that could ultimately be a failure because groups may not discuss all the topics you want to learn so you're stuck with a limited amount of knowledge.  Why would you limit yourself? Being self aware is sexy!