What Polyamory WON'T fix......

I saw this meme and I knew I needed to write a post about it.  I know that there's people out here who have tried to use polyamory for several reasons. I've heard examples of using it to spice up their marriage,to date without feelings or because they have a broken heart etc.  But this meme say so much about how people view polyamory overall.  People don't view polyamory as valid.  I had to sit and really mentally chew on this because I see so many examples of newbies and people who want to "try" polyamory without doing work on self  FIRST.  News Flash: It's not a relationship band-aid! And it's not a personal band-aid to place over a broken heart.

Polyamory has been a personal journey for me. Within the last 6 years I've had to grow and learn and unlearn so much bullshit that I've been taught by family and society surrounding relationships, love and commitment.   I try to tell anyone who's interested in polyamory/non monogamy that they should  first start with examining the reasoning behind wanting to explore polyamory. Because for some people they believe that polyamory will fix some or all of these issues in their lives. Polyamory will not only highlight your issues but it will push them to the forefront and in your face, sometimes with serious consequences.  Here's my personal take on it all :


Unhappiness- Let me tell you something baby,polyamory can't fix you or any of your problems within yourself or your partner. If you're having relationship issues and either one of you decide to bring a third into the relationship for "fun" a.k.a sex, it will end up in disaster.

Emptiness- More people will never make you feel complete!!!  Multiple relationships require you to be present and it requires more work.  If you're ultimately unhappy with yourself, how will you have a happy positive experience with multiple people?

Limits- Personally I had to learn my limitations. I'm big on energy and connecting with like minded dope ass people but polyamory made me examine my limits on how many relationships I could sustain in a healthy manner.

Breakups- For anyone who's read my blog knows I've dealt with breakups. Polyamory doesn't stop break ups and it definitely doesn't the pain surrounding them.

Cheating and Lying- Hmm, I haven't had any personal instances of this situation but I can say if someone has made an agreement with a partner or partners and they change their mind and they go against the agreement and once confronted they lie about it, the lies definitely can and will damage the relationship. Lies hurt any type of relationship.

Jealousy-  I hear so many people say I can't be polyamorous because I'm jealous or Do you ever feel jealous?  To be honest jealousy can still be present while you're in polyamorous relationships.  Polyamory doesn't change how you feel or how you process emotions. I've learned how to process jealousy and the feelings that mask it. It does take a lot of self work.

Abuse- Abuse can and does happen in unhealthy relationships and being poly doesn't fix it. It can be verbal, mental and even sexual abuse.  I've said this so many times to myself and others, being poly doesn't change people. Unhealthy behaviors doesn't stop just because you've decided that you want to have more than one partner.

Loneliness- Last but not least loneliness. Adding multiple people and being in multiple relationships are a temporary fix for loneliness. At the end of the day you will still have to go back home or they will go home and then what? Back at square one.  Polyamory won't fix this issue but it may highlight the why behind feeling this way.  Therapy and some self examination only fixes this and all the other issues that are highlighted here.

Polyamory and Jealousy: A More than Two Essential Guide

Hey everyone! I'm back with another book review.  Let me just say how excited I was to find this through my local library. I use an app called Hoopla which is available for residents to take out e-books, audio books, movies etc.  Generally trying to find anything that's not mainstream or alternative relationships is difficult so shout out to them.

Okay, let's get on with this awesome book.  Polyamory and Jealousy: A more than Two Essential Guide by Eve Rickert is basically an additional short guide about jealousy in polyamory and how to manage it. It's a companion to, More than Two. I sing  More than Two's praises and I feel like it's one of the first books that someone interested in polyamory or non-monogamy should read.  More than Two has extensive chapters on issues that come up like jealousy but because so many people who read it  had much more questions and the author wanted to be able to give more personal examples and more tips and tricks and this was how this 200 page guide came about.

On a personal level, I don't struggle with jealousy often.  I have had situations that made me feel jealous but after truly reading More than Two and processing reasons WHY I felt jealous in those situations things made more sense. Now when I feel that inkling, I take a step back and reevaluate what's going on.

Jealousy is a shape-shifter, it masquerades as other emotions.  Some of these emotions may be:

• fear
• loneliness
• loss
• sadness
• anger
• betrayal
• envy
• humiliation 
•  

I'd like to share a few of the quotes from the book that truly hit home for me:

"There is a difference between jealous feelings and jealous actions......The actions we take are OUR responsibility."

"Jealous feelings come from a sense of loss, or fear of it."

"Jealous actions are usually attempts to take back control over the feelings we're afraid of."

" Jealousy undermines intimacy by telling your partner that you don't trust him/her"

"When we feel that we have lost control over our own lives, we often try to take it back by controlling others."

" Sometimes jealousy triggers come as a complete surprise, which is why trying to prevent your partners from doing things that trigger jealousy doesn't work." 

The guide also gave us a  few strategies for dealing with jealousy, they are as follows:

Step 1# Accept the feelings

Step 2# Ask for Support

Step 3# Separate triggers from causes

Step 4# Understand the feelings

Step 5# Talk about it

I ended up learning more about jealousy and even seeing myself and my partners in these examples. Of course every topic that was discussed can be a separate chapter and can be discussed more thoroughly. Jealousy within polyamory has always been an issue. It takes a considerable amount of work to truly work through these feelings.    How do you deal with jealousy in your relationship(s)? Do you work through it? Do you feel like this guide will help you?