Breaking up

Breaking up is really hard to do.  I've sadly had to break up with a partner and I've also been broken up with so I can understand both sides of the coin. In a perfect world, or in my mind, relationships wouldn't end and people would work out their problems and differences but we don't live in a perfect world. Sigh 

This past year I had two relationships that ended for varying reasons. Time constraints and needing and wanting other things were a few of the major reasons.  And to be honest when those relationships ended  I was in emotional pain. I mourned the loss of those relationships. I mourned the loss of the things we had shared and the possibilities for the future as well as the loss of that person in my life.  I don't feel like there's enough talk within the poly community surrounding breakups and the loss of relationships.   I don't think most people realize just how hard it can be. I know people think just because you have more than one partner losing one isn't going to affect you but it definitely does! 

  I've had to pretend like I'm okay after a break up when in fact I'm not. I'm seriously hurting. I've had to "put on a brave face" to mask my hurt.   My other partners know and try to help me work through it as best they can but sadly, it's a situation that you have to work through by yourself.   I just want to shoutout my partners (and everyone else's partners) who've been there during and after a breakup. You guys are the real MVP's!!! Thank you so much.   I want to thank my partners M and V for both talking to me and hearing me out during the tough times and just being supportive.  Thanks for being there while I cried on the phone with you. Thanks for being there when I texted you trying to figure things out. I'm grateful, so very grateful for you two.    I wrote an article for Black & Poly magazine last year the first time I experienced a poly break up. If you want to read it here's
the link

Last year when I wrote the article I was operating out of pain and experiencing those raw emotions first hand.  I didn't even know what to do or how to process everything that was going on.  Instead of experiencing and feeling, I tried to ignore my feelings until I received a comment and some great advice.    I was simply told to feel and experience all the emotions and not to hold them in. That comment was extremely profound. So I took the advice and processed those feelings surrounding the breakup. By doing so it helped me understand the relationships and the motivations surrounding the breakups.    Have you experienced a poly breakup? How did you heal from it? Are you still healing and if you are how has the process been?

Racism in the poly community??

I had an interesting situation on Monday. Well, it wasn't a situation it was more like an experience. I decided to attend a poly event that's close to my job. I had never attended an event with this group, and since I started The Black & Poly Cleveland group it's been enough for me.  A few days prior I saw the topic and said hey I'll go, why not? The topic was surrounding sex and intimacy.  I thought well this is gonna be interesting.   I RSVP and when Monday rolled around I showed up after work to the location about 20 minutes before the start time.  It was at a Panera, so I stared at the menu before deciding on a salad.  The location was packed and I had no idea where the meeting room was at.   Luckily, certain locations have meeting spaces and most people are grateful for that level of privacy.    As I grabbed my food,  I saw a member of B&P Cleveland who was there with his husband.  I was happy to see a familiar face as  I followed him into the meeting room and sat my food down before we moved the tables and chairs around. Now, here's where the story gets sad and interesting........

I decided to help them move the chairs and tables around into a circle to make it easier for us all to see each other.  Once we  were done we all sat down and I began eating. I noticed that I was the only POC there,actually, the only black person there.  I sat down I felt the air in the room change. They probably thought I was in the wrong place   I'm the type of person that notices everything. I noticed body language and the whole vibe. I noticed people speaking to other people but not one person even said hello to me.  At first I took it as people coming in and seeing their friends. Then the meeting began and I saw that the chair immediately to the left and right of me were empty despite the fact that everyone else was sitting side by side.

  Once I started the B&P Cleveland group I had a few black poly people tell me just how grateful they were that I started the group.  They told me how they had went to events with with this particular group and how awkward it was for them. How they didn't feel welcome etc. and now I understood sadly.  The conversation went okay but I had to explain how on a cultural level black and brown people don't have serious hangups regarding sex or being sexual. I think we feel like it's a normal thing. We celebrate pleasurable activities all the time like food and music and sex is just another normal pleasurable activity.

The group owner and I were cool and he's attended B&P meetups so when it ended I caught a ride home with him, since we practically live in the same neighborhood (No sense in taking a Lyft,right)  We've spoken candidly about race before and I felt comfortable enough to tell him how I felt and my experience. Of course he apologized because he felt a responsibility as the group owner.   But I told him there was no need because he's not responsible for other people's actions or behaviors.  I then explained that I'd probably won't attend another event with the group. I think that saddened him even more.  I just can't go into spaces that make me feel uncomfortable or not welcome. And as I sit here writing the post I've changed the title of the post a few times to what it's really about.  And that's racism in poly communities.

I guess I've been naive to think that racism doesn't exist in the poly community, or the BDSM community or the LGBTQ community but it does.  I have even more questions now because what should we do as POC when we experience this? I personally don't feel the responsibility to bridge the racial divide with white poly folks who may be racist or who may be uncomfortable with Black/POC individuals in their spaces.  That's the work that they have to do. I will however continue to cultivate spaces and experiences for black and brown poly folks.

Black Representation.....A Project

I started this blog for several reasons but the main reason was for representation. I'm pretty sure when most people think of anything other than monogamy they envision only white people doing it. I've heard it so many times, poly what?? That's some "white peoples shit"  But we as black and brown folks have been practicing so many forms of non-monogamy for centuries. We may not have had a name for it but we were doing it.

While looking for stock photos for the blog I realized there were no black faces represented, and if they were they were of triads or polygamy. While both of those are forms of non-monogamy I don't feel like it always represents what polyamory is and newsflash folks you know everyone isn't in a triad or seeking to be a sister wife.  So I said if  you want to see something done, you have to do it yourself  Jai.

The really great thing about being poly is the community. I have a community of black poly friends(mostly online) who support me whenever I have crazy ideas, and vice versa.  I'm lucky and very grateful to have that because most people don't have it. Most people can barely tell anyone that they aren't monogamous or that they're not straight or that they're into BDSM or have specific kinks etc.   As I sought out faces for this project I knew a few people who couldn't do it because of social or family obligations and it really made me sad that we live in a society where monogamy is pushed as "the norm" and people can't just live their collective lives and be happy.  So I sought help from my community and they came through. Thank you to everyone who helped me! Thanks to my meta, Andrea, for giving me the idea to do some sort of video as well. You rock!!

This project surprisingly showcased mostly solo poly people and it made me proud but there were other relationship configurations as well that just goes to show you there's not one way to do poly or to be poly.   So without further ado here's the video