Monday, December 31, 2018

Where Should I begin..books on Polyamory


When I started my poly journey I wanted to read anything and everything about the subject. I didn't even know that there were so many books about polyamory or non-monogamy.  On a personal level books are very important for me. I'm naturally very curious and when I want to know something I look directly for a book on the topic. Growing up books were my way to learn about the world as well as a form of entertainment when I was bored and didn't want to watch t.v.

For people coming into this lovestyle, I recommend several books. As I've learned more about myself, I realized I prefer nonfiction books on the topic, even though I've read a few fiction books that show polyamory/non-monogamy in a good light.  Last year  I started writing reviews of books about Polyamory for Black & Poly online magazine. The title of this post is for those newbies who come into polyamory not knowing where to begin. They ask questions that could be answered within a book. I think to myself, Why would someone ask a question to a bunch of strangers when they could just find it out themselves? I guess that's how I think. I'm not very keen on getting advice from other people.

I now realize in certain situations it's good to hear other perspectives because you won't get all the answers from books. And of course there are the lived experiences that help us learn as well.  I simply champion for books on the subject simply because most mistakes that I see newbies doing can be fixed simply by reading a book or two on Polyamory. And when you read also you may learn a few things about yourself. I will admit that I am and can be very introspective, especially with a topic that I find interesting. Reading books on the subject has helped me learn how to process things such as jealousy, learn about compersion and also become better at listening and communicating overall.

So here's my list of books that I recommend everyone to read on polyamory:

1. More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.  I consider this book the poly "bible"! It's one of the first books I recommend. It's full of advice on so many topics and the authors give their collective lived experiences as well.

2. The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton.

3.  The Game Changer:  A memoir of Disruptive Love by Franklin Veaux. You can read my review here

4. Love's Not Color Blind by Kevin Patterson. You can read my review here

5.  The Polyamorist Next Door by Elisabeth Sheff. You can read my review here

6. Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by  Deborah Anapol

7. For Hire: Operator by Kevin Patterson and Alana Phelan



Saturday, December 15, 2018

It's called ETHICAL polyamory for a reason..I'm not cheating with you!!!


Hey everyone! So I'm back and I have a few things to say. As you can see from the title of this blog post it's about the ethics of polyamory and people trying to get me to cheat with them. Of course that's a no go for me. On a personal level I've had several men assume that just because I identify as polyamorous that it's a free pass for sex.  Most of the culprits are men who I've had relationships with in the past. The relationships ended and we parted ways. Fast forward years later and they sneak back into my DM's or inbox of Facebook.

They never want to rekindle a romance it's always about sex. Being demisexual, I'm instantly turned off by that even though I've had sex with these individuals in the past. "Things change and so do people" is one of my favorite sayings. Their relationship status changed. They're monogamous (or so they say).  It's the late night texts or when their girlfriends are away that they want to "see" me again.
The ethical person in me is pissed. Dude, you signed up for monogamy and this woman trusts that you're faithful to her, I want to scream at them.

I refuse to participate in his cheating. What type of person would I be, I ask myself. I wouldn't want anyone to do this to me, I think. I think back to my monogamous days and the thought of my partner cheating on me made me mad and sad. I couldn't be that woman. That women who only thinks of herself and not the consequences of my actions. The actions that may hurt someone else in the process.    Ethical non monogamy is defined as all parties are being treated respectfully, and that enthusiastic consent to the arrangement has been given by everyone involved.  With that being said I refuse to cheat with you!!! Don't mistake my polyamory as a scapegoat for you to fuck around on your wife or girlfriend. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

I'm out and I'm PROUD!!!!


I recently saw a few posts about being "out"and how it affects you and your partners and your overall life as a poly person.  I've always felt like it was a revolutionary act to live and speak your truth without worrying about society and how they think you should live.

I came out as a bisexual women at 21 years old. Of course then I  was young and naive and scared to tell my family about my new girlfriend. At that time I considered myself monogamous, but I secretly wished for a boyfriend or some type male energy to "balance" me.  Of course at this time I felt like I someone needed to balance me, but in truth I was really just polyamorous.

I told my family who my girlfriend was because I was simply tried of lying. Tired of lying that this person had came in my life and I loved her.  You can only tell people that this person that you're spending so much of your intimate time with is simply your "friend".

Now fast forward till the present day, I post articles and pictures showing my support for my LGBTQ identity. I want to show the larger society (through social media) that being bisexual is normal. Normalizing any other type of lifestyle other than being a white straight Anglo-Saxon is a proverbial slap in the face to society.  Being out and proud about all my identities is a silent protest that I and others who are out to the world do on a daily basis.

Once I saw that post in the group it had me really thinking about why being out coming out and staying out is important. I know people have their reasons why they can't be out. I know most of the time people have worries regarding their jobs, or if they have children.they worry about them being taken from them by people who may deem them unfit because they go against society.  I'm very lucky because I don't have those worries or concerns. I'm very lucky also because the people who I love accept me for me and not for my lovestyle choices.  My sexuality and my lovestyle choices are very small parts of who I am overall as a women living in the U.S.

I'm simply out because I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud of those who I love and those who I've loved in the past. I also don't live my life for others. My life and my journey is simply mines to live the way I see fit. I'm a PROUD poly bisexual black woman!!!!


Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Demisexuality


Demisexuality...What is it?  I can hear people asking me this question right now.  I use this descriptor to explain how I see myself  and how I navigate within polyamory. I didn't even know there was a word for how I am until I saw it somewhere online and then I'm like Ohhhh, that's totally me!

Demisexuality is defined as a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form an emotional connection.   The term demisexuality comes from the orientation being halfway between sexual and asexual . This comic describes me the best: GenderFluid-the comic 

Specifically, I want to talk about how I navigate my poly life while being demi. Being demi has made it harder to connect with people, specifically men.  I need to be able to connect with people and see how we mesh together. I want to know that we have a deeper connection and we can talk about so many topics. 

That's not to say I don't automatically feel sexual attraction for people because I still will see certain people and really want to have sex with them because that happens as well.  But for the most part I want to know the person  and have some sort of friendship established first.  I definitely don't need a romantic connection like most of the definitions say, but that's what I need and may not be what  other demisexual folks need.

Lately I've tried to date and connect with others but of course it takes so much time to truly get to know people. Society seems to want everything fast without the work. For me relationships can't be placed in the life microwave and two minutes later you have something so great and beautiful that everyone around envies you. No, good relationships require work and communication and that takes time.   Are you demisexual or fall under the Asexual spectrum?   Please share your experiences in the comments.

Also, here's an awesome resource for anyone who may think they're demisexual here.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

My Evolution



I have evolved. I've realized it over the last few months. I've been having conversations with a few of my good friends about how my thinking has evolved surrounding polyamory and my overall journey.
When I first came into this lovestyle I only thought in terms of who would be a potential partner. I'd reject people that only wanted sex or only had time for a sexual relationship.  But, a few years ago I would accept that, then last year I recognized that I was demisexual.  Once I came to terms that I'm demi, I looked back and thought about the people who I didn't want to talk to or engage with because we hadn't formed a mental connection first. A mental connection for me is absolutely necessary when I deal with people. I prefer serious conversations as opposed to small talk.  I mean small talk is okay if I'm waiting on my coffee in line somewhere but with people who I will possibly share my bed and life with we have to connect on issues and we have to be on some sort of common ground.

I really thought it was me being sapiosexual, which I guess is another term people use for a mental connection. I know some people believe it's  totally a b.s. term because it's only used for people with book smarts but ,I truly prefer people who learn any way, whether it's books, articles, podcasts, documentaries and life.  I don't connect intelligence with books at all.  So with that being said,  I normally looked for people who I had conversations with and who I felt that there was a mental connection somewhere.  I felt anyone who only wanted a sexual relationship with me was using me and my body.  I don't take being used lightly, so needless to say I stopped dealing with those individuals.

Last week I was having a conversation with a friend regarding two gentlemen she liked and was involved with. She explained in so many words that she wanted to cuddle and do non-kinky things with one person as opposed to doing only sexual things with him all the time. As a friend I told her that this person may not have the capacity to do those things she wanted  him to do, them BOOM my advice hit me.

I started to think about my own experiences recently and people who I wanted more from. Men who I thought would and should be potential partners but who in fact didn't have the capacity to love me or play that role in my life.  After we talked  it made sense to both of us.  I was slightly sad and disappointed  that I removed a few of those people out of my life because they didn't fit into my mold of a potential.  I had to realize that no, everyone is not a potential partner. Everyone will not be dating material or even a cuddle buddy.    I've recently made a connection with someone who I really like.  I like our energy and conversations.   I ask myself all the time will he be a partner? Will he be a FWB or a comet? Does he want to date me? 

 I've always said I prefer relationships that are organic and that develop which ever way they develop but I realize now that I really wasn't trusting the process or my instincts on letting this relationship develop into whatever it may become. 

As I write this now I feel good knowing that every one won't be a potential partner and that's okay. People come into our lives for specific reasons and I'm here for it all.


Monday, November 12, 2018

Solo Polyamory



I didn't come into polyamory as part of a couple. Most of the people who start their journey starts as a typical married couple or a couple in a long term relationship. That's the norm for the most part within the community.   The simplest definition of what solo polyamory is taken from the solopoly.net website :  "we generally do not have intimate relationships (or are heading toward) primary-style merging of life infrastructure or identity along the lines of the traditional social relationship escalator. For instance, we generally don't share a home or finances with any intimate partners.
Similarly, solo poly people generally don't identify very strongly as part of a couple(or triad etc.); we prefer to operate and present ourselves as individuals.

When I learned about this term immediately I  identified with it. I definitely identified with all of those things but the last sentence about preferring to operate and present myself as an individual is the most important aspect of solo polyamory for me.  I think aspects of monogamy and breaking the chains of mono culture and what it truly means to be polyamorous lies in my individuality.  Don't get me wrong being in a couple and being poly is great for some people, just not for me. Monogamy and what's taught to us in society is that you're not a whole full person unless you're paired up and or married.  Marriage is the ultimate goal, especially if you're a woman. We are conditioned to believe that is our ultimate goal in life as well as being a mother.

I believe of course this is the wrong narrative for some of us. I am a mother and have cohabited with  a few of my previous partners while I was monogamous and once when we decided to open up our existing relationship,but at this point I have zero desire to do so. For the most part it's because I like my own space and my own private time. I've also never was on board with mixing finances, even when in my past relationships. It was a serious hard limit for me as a parent to young children. My sons came first and I couldn't afford to lose everything because someone else had misused our funds.  Now that my children are adults I don't have the worries but I still don't desire to mix my life with another person. 

If you want to read more about soly polyamory here are a few articles for you to read: I've also linked another blog of a cool person who I know that identifies as solopoly and writes a blog about it. So check out her blog here

Psychology Today

Solo Poly Net

7-signs-you're solo poly










Saturday, October 13, 2018

Jealousy...My thoughts



Let's talk about the dreaded "J" word..Jealousy.  Jealousy is a hot button topic in the poly community. Jealousy does not go away when you decide to become poly.  On a personal level I rarely, if any, ever feel jealous. Compersion comes more easily for me. I've always felt that the reality of polyamory is that my partner(s) will interact with others so why would I feel jealous or bothered by that?  I believe that the huge amounts of self work and learning about who I am contribute to the fact that I don't readily feel jealous.  This doesn't mean that I'm a better person because I don't feel jealous.   I've talked to partners and my friends who identify as poly who deal with varying degrees of jealousy.

 In the book More than Two, there's a chapter called "taming the green eyed monster" There's a highly insightful section called the chameleon emotion which discusses this. A quote that I found that sums up this post is this" One of the things that can make jealousy such a challenge is that it's a shape-shifter:jealousy masquerades as other emotions. Before you can fight it, you need to see it for what it is. Some of the emotions that can have jealousy at their root are fear, loneliness, loss, sadness, anger, betrayal, envy and humiliation."

However, after thinking about my poly journey thus far I've noticed that I deal with other emotions.
Instead of jealousy I deal with anger. My anger eventually leads to bitterness and hostility towards that other person. I think that my anger is just as serious, if not more serious than jealousy.  Throughout my journey I know that I felt jealousy when my partners gave another partner something that I readily asked in the relationship to another partner or when we broke up they gave them that thing I'd been asking them for.  This lead to anger and a host of other emotions. I began to ask myself why wasn't I good enough? Why can't I get what he gave this other person? That's where the anger, the doubt and betrayal come in at. 

 I first experienced these emotions with a past partner. After our relationship ended we just decided to be friends. I wanted to be friends with him because he was and still is a great person but as time went on I started to feel angry towards him. I resented that months later he'd gone back to a previous relationship and all the things I wanted when we were together he was giving to someone else. My anger festered but I never spoke of it. Since we don't live in the same city he never saw or felt my facial expressions or vibe, phone and text conversations can hide emotions and they hid how I felt for almost a a year when I finally lay everything out on the line. I needed to tell him everything. I'd been holding most of my feelings in because I didn't want to seem "crazy" or jealousy honestly.

But when I unpacked these emotions, let me tell you just how much better I felt. I actually got a chance to heal and thoroughly process so much that had been holding me back. It was indeed jealousy but that feeling was hidden by bitterness, betrayal, and sadness.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Black & Poly's 5th Anniversary



Hey ya'll so I'm back from the anniversary celebration and I had a whole week to process and come down from my "poly high". So here's a recap of what I felt and did while I was out there:
My plane ride was uneventful accept when 30 minutes before we landed I dropped my phone. I heard it hit the group (so I thought) and was seriously frantic about finding it and not letting anyone steal it. Sorry, I was slightly neurotic about someone stealing my phone even though they can't access anything without my fingerprint. (Let's thank technology and Iphones please). The people in the seats in front of me were very nice and attempted to help out as best they could but couldn't find anything so I started searching through my bag and found that I'd stuffed it in with my knitting when I was frantically searching for it.  Which goes to show you that looking for something really helps.

Other than that my plane ride was good. We landed and once I was picked up by the hotel van my phone was dead and I was starving. I knew that there were a few events that were planned for that Friday that I'd already missed and |I was so upset so I said to myself  I would charge my phone and eat then head on over to the host hotel and mingle. That was the initial plan and it didn't work out. I got to my hotel room charged my phone and ordered food from door dash and fell asleep. The biggest problem I faced was the time difference. I live on the east coast and we're 3 hours ahead of California so my body had some serious adjusting to do unfortunately. I was jet lagged and trying to recoup. I decided that the next day I would be ready to do all the events that were planned.

I woke up at 5 am PST and was starving and bored so I got coffee and waited. I'd taken a look at the agenda on Black & Poly website gotten confused on the time for the breakfast . I got to the host hotel at 10:30 a.m. and missed everything except the mimosas. (I'm a huge fan of mimosas so I was happy to have at least had 2 glasses)  I got a chance to put faces to names that I'd interacted with on Facebook and in the Black & Poly group.  For the remainder of the day we spent it on Venice Beach just shopping, eating all the delicious food and taking in the sites. I had a great time but I was wore out by the time we got back with only an hour to spare before the banquet that night. I rushed to my hotel room, showered, changed into a new outfit then headed over the the hotel. I'm going to be totally honest and tell you this was what I was waiting for and I was so excited. If you didn't know several poly celebrities were there. Well, I call them poly celebrities. For one, Dossie Easton, the coauthor of The Ethical Slut was there the whole weekend and was a speaker.  Can I tell you that I had a serious fan girl moment???!!! I kept trying to tell myself not to be creepy and not to completely loss it when i talked to her.  When I finally met her I almost died, okay no I didn't but I was smiling ear to ear. Ms. Easton is such a nice person and so humble. We talked for a few minutes and then took a picture together.

There were several other speakers and the night was really great. The food was delicious but towards the end of the night I was wondering where was the cast of Compersion? I've been a fan since it came out over a year ago and I've told several of my poly friends and partners to watch this series. I've donated to get the second season's fundraising campaign.  Compersion is a groundbreaking series that shows black people entering into polyamory. I won't rant about how important seeing people of color in alternative relationships is right now-that's going to be another post for another day. Finally towards the end of the night they showed up and I almost lost it. Okay don't laugh at me but I just had to go over and talk to them so when I saw my chance I said Hey Keena to the actress who plays her on the show. She looked at me and smiled. Her husband on the show was also by her side and we all laughed and joked.  They both were so down to earth and cool to talk to. It felt like I was talking to friends I'd met years ago and we were catching up. Of course I took the opportunity to take several pictures with them. After I took the pictures I posted on social media that I could die now because I'd met some of my idols.

The next day several of the attendees all met to have brunch at The Cheesecake factory and talk about the wonderful weekend we'd had.  My flight back to Cleveland was uneventful and I got back home at 5 am my time and went back to my normal work schedule. Here are a few pics from my wonderful weekend.









Saturday, September 15, 2018

I'm headed to L.A.!!!!!!



Hey guys, I'm so excited!!! I'm headed to L.A. at the end of this month.  So, two weeks ago I went on Black & Poly's online magazine to check to see if my new article had been posted and I saw a post "Celebrate Black & Poly". Immediately I clicked on the link to view the article and read about the 5 year anniversary party. I'll let you read the article here.

Once you read it, and you're pretty familiar with some of the guests, you'll know how many poly heavy hitters will be there. Now, I consider them heavy hitters only because they're big names in my opinion but you may disagree.  I'm also excited because I've never been to California before. It's going to be exciting!!!! I've decided to stay in an Airbnb, and not the host hotel however. It was a choice to save money and also to have a different experience while I'm in the city.  Of course, I'll be taking hella pics and posting them here.

I'll be fangirling it out of course because Dossie Easton, author of The Ethical Slut  and Jackie Stone, the producer of the Youtube show Compersion will be there.  Can you said Yesssssss!!!????  Thursday I purchased my plane ticket and a week before that I bought my ticket for the celebration so I just have to pack.   Check back for more details!!!



Saturday, September 1, 2018

More of my thoughts




Hey everyone so today I wanted to talk about dating and also let you know about a few things  that  I'm doing and involved in.  Okay, so most people don't know that i'm also apart of another "alternative" lifestyle other than polyamory. I touched briefly on me being into BDSM  but I never elaborated on it.  Long story short I've been involved in this "lifestyle" off and on for about 6 years. I've always identified as a submissive and 95% of my poly relationships have been D/s (Dominant/submissive) based. Polyamory within a D/s aspect is very different, mostly it's hierarchical.    Normally, I'm very against a hierarchy or relationships that are closed but when I've entered into this type of relationship those things are established already. If you want to learn more about BDSM and polyamory take a look at this article that I wrote detailing it on Black & Poly's online magazine. BDSM and Polyamory

I live in the Midwest, specifically Ohio, and the dating prospects are slim. Most people don't know what polyamory even is let alone, ethical non-monogamy.  It's been very hard for me to date and connect with people locally. I know it's because most black people in my area don't identify as polyamorous and even if they did they wouldn't ever tell anyone that they are.   It's pretty sad because there are others who are seeking connections with life minded folks in their area. So since I've had this problem with finding people in my local area, most of my relationships have been long distance.  Having long distance relationships can be kind of hard if you're not used to them. Also, if your love language is physical touch it may be difficult too. If you have a local love and an LDR then it may be easier for you as it was for me last year when I was involved with someone locally. I have a long distance relationship with a wonderful man.

Polyamory is always confused with swinging or cheating with a fancy name. It is NONE of that. In fact there are a few things that separates cheating from swinging and swinging from polyamory. The first is ethics. Polyamory  is always grounded in ethics in my opinion, most importantly ethical non monogamy. What's ethical non-mongamy  you may say? Well, ethical non monogamy can be defined as consciously agreeing with consent from all parties involved that you will explore love and sex with other people.  In a nutshell, it means everyone knows about one another and everyone has agreed to explore sex and love with other people.

My needs as far as dating and connecting with people have changed. I prefer to let things happen in a more organic matter, meaning I normally don't look for people to date. I just interact with people who I may be interested in if there is a connection then I go with that. In the past I sought out those into BDSM, primarily those who identified as Dominants to be in relationships with.  A few months ago I decided to put that aspect of my life on hold and just seek "vanilla" partners for now on.  I'll definitely be talking about that more later on.







Saturday, August 25, 2018

Introductions




I really don't like to do introductions but I think it's necessary for you to know who I am and the "why" behind this blog.  My name is Jai (like the boy's name) I wear many different  hats in my life. I'm a mom of two grown sons and one cat, Merle.  I have a variety of hobbies and interests but enough about me. I want to explain why I chose to start this blog. One word: REPRESENTATION.  As most people know I identify as bisexual and I've been out since 2001.  I also am in another alternative lifestyle group.  Five years ago I started to learn about BDSM and primarily D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships and how that lifestyle fit into my overall life. That's definitely a different discussion for another day though.


You may ask why is representation so important?  Representation and showing diversity in alternative lifestyles is so necessary and needed.  Before I learned about polyamory and BDSM I only thought that white people did those things. That was a naïve thing to think but I know I'm not the only person to think or feel this.  Once I learned more about these two lifestyles I realized there was a large POC population who embraced them.   My journey into polyamory wasn't a straight line, like any journey their were twists and turns along the way.  I decided to open up my relationship in 2008 with my partner at the time.  Open relationships, in my opinion, are very different from poly amorous ones.  Open relationships lack communication and transparency and are most often based on sex.  To be honest, I've had more sex as a monogamous person than I've ever had as a poly person.   I now realize that the way I went about opening up my existing relationship was all WRONG!!!  I did not communicate with my partner and I set up boundaries thinking that it was for the good of our relationship when in reality it was to keep me from being uncomfortable in my own insecurities.  I have since apologized to my ex about my behavior and explained to him that I went about it the wrong way.

Polyamory is all about communication and transparency as well as being emotionally in tuned with yourself.  What I've learned is that if you haven't chosen this lovestyle for yourself and decided you wanted to do it for other reasons things won't go well.    There will constantly be strife and drama in your life.

I'm a person who is big on learning and growing.   I'm the type of person who reads tons of books, magazine articles, listens to  podcasts or watches any type of movie on a subject that I'm curious about.   As with polyamory I'm an advocate for this.  I've unlocked so much about myself by reading books on the subject.  I've started to compile a list of articles, podcasts and other forms of media that directly represent black and brown polyamorous people.   The world needs to see this representation. Let's break free of the stereotypical chains that society has placed on us and just LIVE.