Mononormativity

Mononormativity...what is it actually? I learned this term through a page I follow on Facebook called Naturally Polyamorous.   I was confused until I read a definition of the term which is "Of or pertaining to the practices and institutions that privilege or value monosexual and monogamous relationships as fundamental and "natural" within society.

Through the years of my practicing ethical non-monogamy, I learned that mononormativity is the assumption even among polyamorous people.  Mononormativity for me is like being on the relationship escalator.  The relationship escalator is The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.  For most monogamous people the clear goal is marriage and children. That's the clear goal of some poly folks as well.  But stepping off the relationship escalator is one of the ways we can dismantle the practice and concept of mononormativity within our community.  Even though the majority of people coming into non-monogamy/polyamory are coupled, there are single people who still want to find nesting partners, possibly have kids/more kids and then get married.

All of this is good for some people but like the definition says it's a societal norm that we still hold as the model of our relationships.  Personally, I identify with the solo poly movement and those who practice relationship anarchy.  In my opinion, it is a way to silently break these cultural nuances and remove certain ideas surrounding our relationships as poly individuals. Some examples of mononomativity that I've taken from the Naturally Polyamorous page:

1. "When you only have one "love", one focus or one option then you will do what you can do to keep things balanced but when there are more options when there are more loves when there is MORE the way you think about balance shifts."
2. When you tell people that you have more than one lover, they often reduce one or the other person to an option. 
3. In the monogamous world to consider anyone as an option is to make them less than, one of many...never "THE ONE".

I love this quote that she posted on the Naturally Polyamorous page which was "My lovers are an "option" because I like to have choices. They are an option because I do not own them. They do not own me. We don't own each other, rather we CHOOSE each other over and over again without losing ourselves or our options."   Whewww chile that's a word right there! That statement speaks volumes in itself because monogamy is so much about choosing and controlling your partner in my opinion.