Happily poly saturated

I'm sitting at work thinking about my poly life and I've come to the conclusion that I'm currently poly saturated. The definition, if you didn't know what it means is "Polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships or new partners because of the number of existing partners, or because of time constraints that might make new relationships difficult". All of those reasons are why I'm poly saturated at the moment.   Even though I'm poly saturated  I'm so happy. I feel this contentment and excitement deep within me. I have AWESOME people in my life. The connections that I've made within the last six months have just made my whole life feel satisfying.

 Personally, everyone I'm involved with isn't a partner in the traditional sense but those individuals in my life bring me joy. I can talk to them freely. We share life's ups and down.  They're my personal cheerleaders and they all have been there when I was having a rough time and all of this is vice versa

This is probably the best thing about being poly. The sense of belonging to this tribe of interconnected people who all have this collective goal but we're all living our lives.   I feel this freedom and this happiness within me and that's all that matters, right?  I've been asked by several people how do I manage it? How do you give your partners time?  It's easy I tell them. Every one of my partners requires direct levels of communication and attention. We all lead very busy lives with work, family and other personal and professional projects that we are working on.  But we all manage to call, text or FaceTime.  I'm so happily poly saturated with love.

Breaking up

Breaking up is really hard to do.  I've sadly had to break up with a partner and I've also been broken up with so I can understand both sides of the coin. In a perfect world, or in my mind, relationships wouldn't end and people would work out their problems and differences but we don't live in a perfect world. Sigh 

This past year I had two relationships that ended for varying reasons. Time constraints and needing and wanting other things were a few of the major reasons.  And to be honest when those relationships ended  I was in emotional pain. I mourned the loss of those relationships. I mourned the loss of the things we had shared and the possibilities for the future as well as the loss of that person in my life.  I don't feel like there's enough talk within the poly community surrounding breakups and the loss of relationships.   I don't think most people realize just how hard it can be. I know people think just because you have more than one partner losing one isn't going to affect you but it definitely does! 

  I've had to pretend like I'm okay after a break up when in fact I'm not. I'm seriously hurting. I've had to "put on a brave face" to mask my hurt.   My other partners know and try to help me work through it as best they can but sadly, it's a situation that you have to work through by yourself.   I just want to shoutout my partners (and everyone else's partners) who've been there during and after a breakup. You guys are the real MVP's!!! Thank you so much.   I want to thank my partners M and V for both talking to me and hearing me out during the tough times and just being supportive.  Thanks for being there while I cried on the phone with you. Thanks for being there when I texted you trying to figure things out. I'm grateful, so very grateful for you two.    I wrote an article for Black & Poly magazine last year the first time I experienced a poly break up. If you want to read it here's
the link

Last year when I wrote the article I was operating out of pain and experiencing those raw emotions first hand.  I didn't even know what to do or how to process everything that was going on.  Instead of experiencing and feeling, I tried to ignore my feelings until I received a comment and some great advice.    I was simply told to feel and experience all the emotions and not to hold them in. That comment was extremely profound. So I took the advice and processed those feelings surrounding the breakup. By doing so it helped me understand the relationships and the motivations surrounding the breakups.    Have you experienced a poly breakup? How did you heal from it? Are you still healing and if you are how has the process been?

Racism in the poly community??

I had an interesting situation on Monday. Well, it wasn't a situation it was more like an experience. I decided to attend a poly event that's close to my job. I had never attended an event with this group, and since I started The Black & Poly Cleveland group it's been enough for me.  A few days prior I saw the topic and said hey I'll go, why not? The topic was surrounding sex and intimacy.  I thought well this is gonna be interesting.   I RSVP and when Monday rolled around I showed up after work to the location about 20 minutes before the start time.  It was at a Panera, so I stared at the menu before deciding on a salad.  The location was packed and I had no idea where the meeting room was at.   Luckily, certain locations have meeting spaces and most people are grateful for that level of privacy.    As I grabbed my food,  I saw a member of B&P Cleveland who was there with his husband.  I was happy to see a familiar face as  I followed him into the meeting room and sat my food down before we moved the tables and chairs around. Now, here's where the story gets sad and interesting........

I decided to help them move the chairs and tables around into a circle to make it easier for us all to see each other.  Once we  were done we all sat down and I began eating. I noticed that I was the only POC there,actually, the only black person there.  I sat down I felt the air in the room change. They probably thought I was in the wrong place   I'm the type of person that notices everything. I noticed body language and the whole vibe. I noticed people speaking to other people but not one person even said hello to me.  At first I took it as people coming in and seeing their friends. Then the meeting began and I saw that the chair immediately to the left and right of me were empty despite the fact that everyone else was sitting side by side.

  Once I started the B&P Cleveland group I had a few black poly people tell me just how grateful they were that I started the group.  They told me how they had went to events with with this particular group and how awkward it was for them. How they didn't feel welcome etc. and now I understood sadly.  The conversation went okay but I had to explain how on a cultural level black and brown people don't have serious hangups regarding sex or being sexual. I think we feel like it's a normal thing. We celebrate pleasurable activities all the time like food and music and sex is just another normal pleasurable activity.

The group owner and I were cool and he's attended B&P meetups so when it ended I caught a ride home with him, since we practically live in the same neighborhood (No sense in taking a Lyft,right)  We've spoken candidly about race before and I felt comfortable enough to tell him how I felt and my experience. Of course he apologized because he felt a responsibility as the group owner.   But I told him there was no need because he's not responsible for other people's actions or behaviors.  I then explained that I'd probably won't attend another event with the group. I think that saddened him even more.  I just can't go into spaces that make me feel uncomfortable or not welcome. And as I sit here writing the post I've changed the title of the post a few times to what it's really about.  And that's racism in poly communities.

I guess I've been naive to think that racism doesn't exist in the poly community, or the BDSM community or the LGBTQ community but it does.  I have even more questions now because what should we do as POC when we experience this? I personally don't feel the responsibility to bridge the racial divide with white poly folks who may be racist or who may be uncomfortable with Black/POC individuals in their spaces.  That's the work that they have to do. I will however continue to cultivate spaces and experiences for black and brown poly folks.

Black Representation.....A Project

I started this blog for several reasons but the main reason was for representation. I'm pretty sure when most people think of anything other than monogamy they envision only white people doing it. I've heard it so many times, poly what?? That's some "white peoples shit"  But we as black and brown folks have been practicing so many forms of non-monogamy for centuries. We may not have had a name for it but we were doing it.

While looking for stock photos for the blog I realized there were no black faces represented, and if they were they were of triads or polygamy. While both of those are forms of non-monogamy I don't feel like it always represents what polyamory is and newsflash folks you know everyone isn't in a triad or seeking to be a sister wife.  So I said if  you want to see something done, you have to do it yourself  Jai.

The really great thing about being poly is the community. I have a community of black poly friends(mostly online) who support me whenever I have crazy ideas, and vice versa.  I'm lucky and very grateful to have that because most people don't have it. Most people can barely tell anyone that they aren't monogamous or that they're not straight or that they're into BDSM or have specific kinks etc.   As I sought out faces for this project I knew a few people who couldn't do it because of social or family obligations and it really made me sad that we live in a society where monogamy is pushed as "the norm" and people can't just live their collective lives and be happy.  So I sought help from my community and they came through. Thank you to everyone who helped me! Thanks to my meta, Andrea, for giving me the idea to do some sort of video as well. You rock!!

This project surprisingly showcased mostly solo poly people and it made me proud but there were other relationship configurations as well that just goes to show you there's not one way to do poly or to be poly.   So without further ado here's the video

Emotional Currency

I learned about this concept from my partner M last night. We were talking about processing emotions and how to talk to about them with our partners.  M said he'd learned a concept early on in his poly journey and it was emotional currency.   He said emotional currency is having enough emotional energy stored up to deal with emotional or difficult situations. That hit me square in the face because I generally have emotional currency when I talk and deal with emotions with my partners, but several times I've discussed really difficult situations and I literally had zero dollars in my emotional bank.

On a personal level dealing with hard situations and arguing with a partner depletes all of my emotional currency.  Talking with M last night made me realize how many times I've done this and just how harmful it can be to me and my psyche.   On the flip side, I can say that there are a few things that fill up my emotional bank.   For instance, when a partner shares with me and shows vulnerability it increases my emotional currency bank or when my partners remember my love languages and does something in response to them such as spending quality time with me  All these things fill me up on an emotional level.

I can also say that I fill up my emotional bank by processing old situations that I may not have gotten over. I would be lying if I told you that I don't have past issues that I have yet to address. Of course I do! Processing those emotions surrounding those situations can take away from my emotional currency as well "credit" my emotional account.  I didn't like my accounting classes while I was in college, but the idea of debits and credits when talking about an emotional bank rings true for me. I've been "debiting" from my emotional bank account and very little "credits" have been deposited.  My emotional account has been in the negative for awhile and now I have to do a bit of bookkeeping to figure out where I went wrong and how I can get back into good standing.  So far,writing in my  journal and being good to myself has been what has been helping me.

 Writing in my journal gives me the opportunity to write without the fear of judgement or the fear of having to explain myself or my actions to anyone.  Being good to myself is a concept that's a bit more hard to describe. Being good to myself means being a bit more understanding and not so hard on myself  constantly.  Not blaming myself for everything, and realizing that I'm human and that I make mistakes is a way that I'm being good to myself.  I also have to accept that relationships, just like life, has it's ups and downs and it's not the end of the world if I have a disagreement with my partner(s).   How do you feel about emotional currency as a poly concept? Are you adding to your bank or are you depleting it?        

Catching up!

Hey ya'll I just want to do a catch up post because I have been neglecting the blog.  Well, first off I having been living my poly life.....traveling and spending time with my wonderful partners in New York and Maryland/ D.C.  One of my new years goals/resolutions I made was to see and spend time with them as much as possible since last year there was so much time that we didn't spend with each other due to our schedules and work. It sucked and I promised that I would see each one of them at least once a month. Whooo, I know that's a tough one right? Financially really but that's something I wanted to do. So I've been on and off the Greyhound for the last couple of months (despite the fact that I loathe the Greyhound!)

Tomorrow  I'll be traveling once again to Washington D.C. to visit two of my loves. It will be a new experience because I will spending time with them both separately and I'll be flying in this time. Two whole awesome days to be with people who I care about. As the days count down I feel myself get happier and the anxiety grows. Just thinking about them and their smiling faces makes me beam with joy. Three weeks later I'm supposed to be traveling to New York to visit and spend time with my other partner.  Yes, I'm a busy poly bee.


I have also started a new poly project. I call it Black Poly Visual Representation because while searching for stock photos for this blog actually. I couldn't find any black people or couples when I just search for the words "black" and "polyamory". I also spoke out about the need for positive representation in the media and the need for society to see more black and POC representation in so called alternative lifestyles(whatever that means..*insert eye rolls*)  So I mulled the idea over and posted it on my social media and got some feedback from my wonderful meta who's been there along the way to give me advice and ideas. I wanted it to be a visual presentation so I thought about pictures and a slideshow that may possibly be set to music along with information on the participants such as the poly configurations.  If you're interested in participating here is the link Black Poly Representation Project

Boundaries within relationships

I've thought long and hard about what this means in relationships, mainly poly relationships. Boundaries are necessary and needed of course in any type of relationship. You have to"draw the line" somewhere. Some things are acceptable and others really aren't.  Last month's Black & Poly meet-up was on the topic, however we didn't get a chance to really discuss the topic in depth.

I thought of the topic at the prior meet-up when one of the group participants said something and I said well would it be a boundary to ask your partner not to have sex in the bed you share? He said no that is an actual rule. I thought to myself what???!! How is that a rule when it's a clear boundary in a relationship? We had a discussion about it further and then I just so happened to start reading the chapter in More than Two, that defined boundaries concern your self: what you are alone, and others may access only with your permission.   But we can divide personal boundaries into two rough categories: physical(your body, your sexuality) and mental(your intimacy, your emotions, your affections)  " Genuine boundaries recognize that others make their own choices, and we do not have the right (or ability) to control their choices.

On a personal level I realized I had to reevaluate where my boundaries lay with all my relationships and also set new boundaries with partners who I had previously had a different type of relationship( i.e. BDSM) More Than Two gives examples of boundaries as:

• I will not be involved with someone who is not open and honest with all other partners about dating me.
• I will not have unbarriered sex with partners whose sexual behavior does not fall within my level of acceptable sexual health risk.
• I will not become involved with someone who is not already committed to polyamory.
• I will not remain in a relationship with a partner who threatens me or uses violence.
• I will choose the level of closeness I want with my partners' other partners, subject to their consent. 

As a solo poly person I haven't had to state my boundaries to my partners but I know that there should be constant talks surrounding our own boundaries and what we will do and what we will accept.  We all must remember that boundaries in any type of relationship are necessary to maintain our own personal autonomy and self respect.