Book Review: Polysecure: Attachment Trauma and Consensual NonMonogamy

 

I took a few days to fully process Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual NonMonogamy by Jessica Fern who is a polyamorous psychotherapist. It was very important to me that that the author is a polyamorous person and not just a person doing research with poly people. I appreciate the research being done, however someone who is actually living and learning as a polyamorous person holds more weight with me as a reader when discussing this particular topic. There have been several people who've written books on polyamory polyamorous that aren't even ethically non-monogamous and that just seems all wrong to me.

I stumbled across this book as I was searching for nonfiction books to read on Hoopla and the title immediately hit me. I read Polysecure for several reasons. The first reason is that I've been working on attachment and trauma in my personal therapy sessions. I also decided to read it because I wanted to understand how attachment therapy coincides with how I deal with my relationships. One of the aspects of the book that I like is it's written in a way that even a monogamous person can learn and use the concepts presented in the book.

As a matter a fact, the first part of the book strictly discusses attachment and the trauma response . The author discusses in detail about the several types of attachment theory and how we develop it during infancy and how that secure attachment or insecure attachment can affect your relationships going forward into adulthood. Polysecure expands our understanding of how our emotional experiences can influence our relationships, with an emphasis on our poly relationships. Now, that I've read the book I will be reading books that discuss attachment and trauma. I plan on purchasing a copy for myself and my partner. 

Happy 2021!!! What Next?

 

Hey everyone!, 

It's been a few months since I've written in the blog.  I definitely got caught up with life and the holiday season.  The planned post for  December never happened unfortunately.  One of my goals was to talk about the year and  do an end of the year type post.  I also normally write goals for my poly life and the blog. 

I feel like 2020 was just a crazy time for us all and I really don't want to take any more time to relive it so I'll speed right along and talk about some of my goals for the new year.   Immediately one of the goals that I thought of was to read and write more books on polyamory to review for the blog.  If you've been following the blog you know that I love reading anything that discusses polyamory or ethical non-monogamy.  A few of the titles that I've been reading and plan on reviewing soon are Polysecure: Attachment,Trauma and Nonmonogamy , Poly Land: My brutally honest adventures in polyamory and Polyamorous Love Letters.

On a more  personal note, one of my goal is to develop more intimate relationships with my partners through a cool game I found on social media called The Intimacy Deck by BestSelf Couple Card Game.  I've played the game during our video dates and it has made a big difference in learning things about my partner that I never knew. There are six different prompts that will spark up silly, inciteful or steamy conversations.  I plan on using it to get to know any of my new partners and will use it as an icebreaker. If you're interested in the game I suggest you Google it and purchase it from the retailer of your choice. 

Polyamorous Poetry

 

Hey everyone! Long time no see. Most of you don't know that I'm a writer.  I really love writing short stories but I also enjoy writing poetry when the mood hits.  I wrote a short story involving polyamorous characters a few years ago but it was never published in the anthology that it was going to be in.  I'm considering posting it to my blog for you guys. If you'd like to read it please leave a comment and I'll post. it.  The short story isn't what this post is about however, sorry to go off on a tangent lol.   

I want to post a poem that I wrote recently called "Comet".  The definition of a comet in the polyamorous community means " A person that passes through your life repeatedly who is intense and awesome, and when gone you are still in contact with that person in some way, but they are not a continuous partner.” 

Last week I thought about a few of my past relationships and I realize that they were/are comets. I wrote this poem shortly after that. 

   Comet

I'm coming in hot and fast

Speeding towards you when

I can fly by your part of the country.

But I don't want to only come

around once in awhile.

I want to be your star in the night sky.

I want you to see me constantly.

I don't want to be your comet

Only encountering you once

in awhile.

When I crash to your part of

the earth, it's heat.

Non-stop fire between us.

Dazzling and beautiful 

we crash into each other like

Star crossed lovers...my Comet

I blaze into your atmosphere......

I remain hot because you ignite a flame in me so hot that

I burn bright until I see you 

again...my comet. 

                                       

                

Romance in a Long Distance Relationship

 

Hey ya'll! As most of you know, most of my relationships are long distance.  As a poly individual, being long distance has it's benefits as well as having it's downsides. I've written about that in a prior post but I wanted to highlight romance and romantic relationships that are long distance. I truly believe that old adage "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."   The Rona has made it hard to see my partners as frequently as I use to. Everyone was very worried about my safety with traveling so our plans were put off. 

I'm a romantic at heart. I seriously love showing my partners attention by giving gifts or send special personalized things their way to let them know I love them and I'm thinking about them.  I'm currently in a new long distance relationship with a wonderful woman who has made me want to send all the gifts and cute little things to brighten her day. 

I've been wanting to strengthen the connection as well as send gifts to let her know that I'm thinking of her.  I found a few more ideas online on how to be romantic with your LDR partner(s). Some of them are: 

1. Send good morning texts
2. Plan date nights
3. Send photo texts
4. Pay attention on phone calls
5. Send a care package
6. Surprise him/her with a visit
7. Always have the next visit planned
8. Make sure to laugh together
9. Video chat with one another
10. Send an email or snail mail love letter
11. Talk, text/email romantically

As I searched the Internet for ideas, I found this site that gave 50 Long Distance Relationship Ideas to keep the Spark Alive.

Probably one of  the first websites that I learned about revolving around Long Distance Relationships was Loving From A Distance.  This site is full of gift ideas, forums and advice for people who are in long distance relationships. The only issue I've seen so far is that the site primarily caters to monogamous relationships. I've seen a few posts within the forums that have questions about poly long distance relationships but overall it is monogamist centered. I hope this helped you in maintaining the romance in your long distance relationship or even given you the courage to start a long distance relationship. 

"Trying Polyamory"

Hey ya'll! It's been awhile but I'm back.  How's everyone been doing and functioning during COVID a.k.a. "The Rona"?  I've been attempting to just function in my everyday life with work and family. I've developed a new relationship with a wonderful woman and a few of my relationships have fell by the wayside and transitioned.    If I would have wrote that this time last year I don't think I'd be so calm or brave. I've had some growing up to do and soul searching as well as realizing nothing really lasts forever and time truly heals all wounds.

Okay so let's get into this topic. A friend of mine posted a meme on social media a few weeks ago that made me want to write about this topic.  It's not like I haven't seen this " My boyfriend/spouse wants to "try" polyamory what should we do?  I used to be very sympathetic in the beginning until I realized the potential damage to the community and other people.  Most people who want to try polyamory don't do any research  and they don't read books or articles on polyamory/non-monogamy, so they go into it totally blind.

Going blind into different situations can be okay but I feel like just jumping into polyamory can hurt people emotionally in the long run.  You definitely have to unlearn monogamy. Monogamy is so ingrained into us that we can make mistakes and won't realize that we've made a mistake until it's done damage to the person you didn't want to hurt.

In my opinion I've become a better person and partner by reading books and articles on polyamory. I've also been listening to Polyamory Weekly, which is a podcast that discusses topics around polyamory.  Now don't get me wrong, I've learned from experiences as well,but it's been with that  knowledge that I learned how to recognize and fix the problems in a healthy manner.     My favorite saying is "Trying polyamory without reading and studying is like jumping into the deep end of the pool and you don't know how to swim."

It's as simple as that.   Some people try to learn just by group interactions, that could ultimately be a failure because groups may not discuss all the topics you want to learn so you're stuck with a limited amount of knowledge.  Why would you limit yourself? Being self aware is sexy!

What Polyamory WON'T fix......

I saw this meme and I knew I needed to write a post about it.  I know that there's people out here who have tried to use polyamory for several reasons. I've heard examples of using it to spice up their marriage,to date without feelings or because they have a broken heart etc.  But this meme say so much about how people view polyamory overall.  People don't view polyamory as valid.  I had to sit and really mentally chew on this because I see so many examples of newbies and people who want to "try" polyamory without doing work on self  FIRST.  News Flash: It's not a relationship band-aid! And it's not a personal band-aid to place over a broken heart.

Polyamory has been a personal journey for me. Within the last 6 years I've had to grow and learn and unlearn so much bullshit that I've been taught by family and society surrounding relationships, love and commitment.   I try to tell anyone who's interested in polyamory/non monogamy that they should  first start with examining the reasoning behind wanting to explore polyamory. Because for some people they believe that polyamory will fix some or all of these issues in their lives. Polyamory will not only highlight your issues but it will push them to the forefront and in your face, sometimes with serious consequences.  Here's my personal take on it all :


Unhappiness- Let me tell you something baby,polyamory can't fix you or any of your problems within yourself or your partner. If you're having relationship issues and either one of you decide to bring a third into the relationship for "fun" a.k.a sex, it will end up in disaster.

Emptiness- More people will never make you feel complete!!!  Multiple relationships require you to be present and it requires more work.  If you're ultimately unhappy with yourself, how will you have a happy positive experience with multiple people?

Limits- Personally I had to learn my limitations. I'm big on energy and connecting with like minded dope ass people but polyamory made me examine my limits on how many relationships I could sustain in a healthy manner.

Breakups- For anyone who's read my blog knows I've dealt with breakups. Polyamory doesn't stop break ups and it definitely doesn't the pain surrounding them.

Cheating and Lying- Hmm, I haven't had any personal instances of this situation but I can say if someone has made an agreement with a partner or partners and they change their mind and they go against the agreement and once confronted they lie about it, the lies definitely can and will damage the relationship. Lies hurt any type of relationship.

Jealousy-  I hear so many people say I can't be polyamorous because I'm jealous or Do you ever feel jealous?  To be honest jealousy can still be present while you're in polyamorous relationships.  Polyamory doesn't change how you feel or how you process emotions. I've learned how to process jealousy and the feelings that mask it. It does take a lot of self work.

Abuse- Abuse can and does happen in unhealthy relationships and being poly doesn't fix it. It can be verbal, mental and even sexual abuse.  I've said this so many times to myself and others, being poly doesn't change people. Unhealthy behaviors doesn't stop just because you've decided that you want to have more than one partner.

Loneliness- Last but not least loneliness. Adding multiple people and being in multiple relationships are a temporary fix for loneliness. At the end of the day you will still have to go back home or they will go home and then what? Back at square one.  Polyamory won't fix this issue but it may highlight the why behind feeling this way.  Therapy and some self examination only fixes this and all the other issues that are highlighted here.

Polyamory and Jealousy: A More than Two Essential Guide

Hey everyone! I'm back with another book review.  Let me just say how excited I was to find this through my local library. I use an app called Hoopla which is available for residents to take out e-books, audio books, movies etc.  Generally trying to find anything that's not mainstream or alternative relationships is difficult so shout out to them.

Okay, let's get on with this awesome book.  Polyamory and Jealousy: A more than Two Essential Guide by Eve Rickert is basically an additional short guide about jealousy in polyamory and how to manage it. It's a companion to, More than Two. I sing  More than Two's praises and I feel like it's one of the first books that someone interested in polyamory or non-monogamy should read.  More than Two has extensive chapters on issues that come up like jealousy but because so many people who read it  had much more questions and the author wanted to be able to give more personal examples and more tips and tricks and this was how this 200 page guide came about.

On a personal level, I don't struggle with jealousy often.  I have had situations that made me feel jealous but after truly reading More than Two and processing reasons WHY I felt jealous in those situations things made more sense. Now when I feel that inkling, I take a step back and reevaluate what's going on.

Jealousy is a shape-shifter, it masquerades as other emotions.  Some of these emotions may be:

• fear
• loneliness
• loss
• sadness
• anger
• betrayal
• envy
• humiliation 
•  

I'd like to share a few of the quotes from the book that truly hit home for me:

"There is a difference between jealous feelings and jealous actions......The actions we take are OUR responsibility."

"Jealous feelings come from a sense of loss, or fear of it."

"Jealous actions are usually attempts to take back control over the feelings we're afraid of."

" Jealousy undermines intimacy by telling your partner that you don't trust him/her"

"When we feel that we have lost control over our own lives, we often try to take it back by controlling others."

" Sometimes jealousy triggers come as a complete surprise, which is why trying to prevent your partners from doing things that trigger jealousy doesn't work." 

The guide also gave us a  few strategies for dealing with jealousy, they are as follows:

Step 1# Accept the feelings

Step 2# Ask for Support

Step 3# Separate triggers from causes

Step 4# Understand the feelings

Step 5# Talk about it

I ended up learning more about jealousy and even seeing myself and my partners in these examples. Of course every topic that was discussed can be a separate chapter and can be discussed more thoroughly. Jealousy within polyamory has always been an issue. It takes a considerable amount of work to truly work through these feelings.    How do you deal with jealousy in your relationship(s)? Do you work through it? Do you feel like this guide will help you?