I have a Podcast!!!!

 

Hey everyone! Yes, you read the title correctly, I have a podcast!!! I never wanted to be one of those "podcast people" but here I am a few months later after thinking about the idea with my forever Meta, Dre.  We both really wanted to discuss all the misconceptions about solo polyamory that's out there in the world. Even among the polyamory community, I think there are misconceptions and a bit of bias against us.  We've both heard so many negative things that you know we had to speak up and dispel those myths. 

We named the podcast Autonomously Poly, because of course that's a dope name but it also shows that our autonomy in our poly life comes first!!! I was nervous to even have a podcast. I had so many thoughts in my head like what if I don't sound good? What if we run out of topics? What if no one listens?  All these crazy thoughts were in my head for something that was supposed to be fun and a way to connect with the larger community.  We plan to put out new episodes once every two weeks. We also plan on talking to guest hosts on a few topics so tune in.  If you want to listen in please follow the link below

Introductions

Compersion: Polyamory Beyond Jealousy

 

Happy New Year Everyone!!!! It's been a long time, right? Well, I've been taking some time off and experiencing life and love and all of the above.  This book review has been in the works since last year, I'll get to the reason why it took me particularly so long to finish this book during my review.

Compersion: Polyamory Beyond Jealousy by Hypatia from Space.

"The author, Hypatia is a polyamorous blogger and writer that has intensively focused her research on this feeling somewhat unknown to most people." 

I honestly had high hopes for this book.  There's not enough talk in the polyamorous community about compersion but instead, the focus is on jealousy.  I decided to purchase it online and start reading it.,I dove right in as soon as it came in the mail. Today, I looked at my reading stats for this book and I started it on December 11th of last year and finished it today.  Why has it taken me almost 2 months to finish this book?  Well, the first reason was I didn't like the writing style at all.  I try to be extremely honest about my book reviews but I just couldn't give it anything past 2 out of 5 stars on the Goodreads app. I had so many things to say about this book that I started writing them down just so I could remember all of the things that I didn't like about the book. The book also felt very dry and didn't even excite me enough. I read several other books since starting it. 

First, I'm going to say that I've never had an issue with compersion. I love when my partners are happy and I know as a polyamorous person that my partners will be engaging with others-it's a given.  I really wanted to read this book to see if it would help someone truly achieve compersion by learning certain steps or techniques that the author provides. After reading it I'm not too sure.  I don't want to be nitpicky but here are some of the things I didn't like about the book.

• The book is very couple-centric. The author doesn't do a very good job of even thinking about solo poly folks and how they may feel.
• The book feels more like the author's own personal journey with compersion but no real clear-cut advice on how to truly achieve compersion. 
• 75% of the book is how the other person or her partner should act or do to mitigate her jealousy. For example on page 158, she says there is nothing wrong with asking your partner or metamour to take things slowly.  As a solo poly person, I found this extremely offputting. It felt like she was telling people not to take responsibility for their own feelings. 
• The author uses words and portions of other books from other polyamorous writers that seemed really good but I'm not sure if her personal story was as genuine. 
• This book really feels like the author is jealous and is trying to cover it up. She even wrote on page 229" In order to feel compersion, we  must have healthy self-esteem." As I read further I realized this was taken directly from another book.
• She constantly referred to people as polyamorous and not polyamorous people or folks. I kept on asking myself who proofread this?

There are a few things that I did like about this book and they were:

• The ending had a ton of material really discussing how to achieve Comperson. I think if she would've put this information towards the beginning of the book it would have been really good. 
• She discusses having your own user's manual to give to new partners. The user's manual idea was taken was another author and her book but it really gave great information. 

Overall the book was just meh to me. I even wrote down What has this book achieved? I'm not sure how it will truly help someone who wants to experience compersion.  I'd like to find other books on the topic of Compersion. If you have any recommendations please let me know. 

UNCOVER(ED)

 Hey, ya'll I have an exciting interview today with the creator of the new game for folks that are discovering consensual non-monogamy.  UNCOVER(ED) is the creation of Kimmy J. who is CNM(consensual non monogamists) Lesbian, pronouns she/her/hers with over 13 years of experience practicing parallel consensual nonmonogamy. She's originally from San Diego, California and she currently owns two companies within the healthcare space. 

J:  Kimmy! Can you tell me about the project and how it got started?

K: Yes! It started just this year. I noticed that a lot of people were interested in exploring consensual non-monogamy, some even opening/changing their current relationships without any real understanding of what they were looking for outside of just having more relationships. People were getting hurt, ended up being confused about their needs, felt inadequate in their own relationships, and so much more. And it was simply because they didn't know what questions to ask themselves and their partners while making a huge change. I wanted to bridge the gap and hopefully help people ask the right questions to fully understand what their intentions are while being non-monogamous.

J: Who do you hope to reach once it's complete? Are you marketing UNCOVER(ED) to a specific group?

K: I hope to reach those who are either CNM already or those who are looking into it. I would even recommend mono people give them a try because it will make them think about how they are showing up in their relationships, and how to communicate their individual needs. 

J: Awesome! When is the release date and how can we purchase the game?

K: UNCOVER(ED) is rolling out fully on October 1st. People can follow the Instagram page @uncoveredpoly. My goal and mission with this are to hopefully get enough orders to lower the price down to be able to donate a portion of the revenue to support podcasts, influencers, literature, and media that promote and benefit healthy CNM communities. I'll be taking preorders starting September 21st.  You can purchase the game on the website Uncovered Polyamory, Amazon, and Etsy stores.

J: Thanks so much for sharing this exciting project with me Kimmy!

    

Book Review: Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator:Uncommon Love and Life

 

Hello everyone! I'm back with a review of Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life by Amy Gahran.   Stepping off the Relationship Escalator came about when the author posted an online survey about unconventional relationships and 1,500 people participated.  First off  1,500 participants!!!! That's a really large amount of people when it comes to any particular study on unconventional relationships or nonmonogamy in general.   I'd also like to point out that this author is a polyamorous person.  Whenever I read books on any type of relationship style, I really want the author to have some real-life experience with the subject matter because it adds authenticity. I've read books on polyamory by people who did "research" and it didn't seem credible. 

I'm not exactly sure why I purchased the book but I knew I wanted to read another book about polyamory and post a review. I probably looked at my "to be read" list on Goodreads and thought it would be a great idea. I ended up purchasing the book and once I received it I was surprised at how many pages it is. For some folks page numbers matter.  The book information says it's 308 pages but technically the actual book ends at 282. The remaining portion of the book is a section where she cited things that were mentioned in the book and also a section that has a glossary of terms.

My initial thoughts:  Even before I purchased the book I thought the book was about how to step off the relationship escalator in polyam relationships.  Once I got the book and started reading it I understood that the book is actually for those who are monogamous and are thinking about "stepping off the relationship escalator".  I was slightly disappointed and almost put the book down because I said to myself this doesn't apply to me at all. The more I read it became clear that I would learn and get something out of this book and I did.

 The author defines the relationship escalator as : "The default bundle of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible milestones and markers, toward a clear goal".   

Everything I loved about this book:

1. The author Amy Gahran is a polyam woman 
2. The author uses some participants specific comments in every chapter of  the book
3. The book has so many topics that most books don't even touch on such as long-distance love, asexual and aromantic relationships, hierarchy, and breakups.
4. Discussion questions at the end of the chapter 

Overall I'm seriously impressed by the work that was done in this book. I recommend the book to anyone that is considering nonmonoamy, this is sure to be a great resource. 

Changing The Narrative: Black polyamorous Women

 

As a black polyamorous woman, I've always wanted to change the narrative.  Change the narrative about how the world sees us as a whole.  When Polyamory is shown in the media as a "white thing" a millennial thing" or you'll see only triads represented when in fact all races are polyamorous or are engaging in consensual ethical non-monogamy in some sort of fashion.  The idea of this book came to me when I thought about all the books I've read and reviewed and how they are all written by white people. Now that's not a problem but representation matters. People of color want to see positive aspects of this lovestyle.  My goal is to always reduce the stigma behind anything people consider an "alternative" lifestyle or way of living.  My friend and I have come up with the premise of the book as a way to showcase who we are and to let the world know that we exist and we love but we love more than one person at a time. 

To participate in this book, please fill out this  Form

Thoughts on Misogny and Patriarchy in the Polyam Community & Updates

 

Hey everyone! Sorry for the lengthy absence. I started a new job recently and it's just been hectic trying to find time to write and post. I also halted reading a few of the books I'm supposed to be reviewing for ya'll. 

One of the reasons why I've decided to halt a few of the books is because they're extremely boring as well as extremely white.  I don't have issues with white people or their stories regarding polyamory but I do have issues with this being the only narrative that's out there for people.  Coming into polyamory as a person of color has a very different look as well as feel. Being a person of color we're going to always face stereotypes from our community as well as white people.  I thought about the fact that we still lack proper representation when it comes to black stories surrounding polyamory/nonmonogamy.   I also thought about how the perception of polyamory is being a thing only men want and women are just helpless bystanders going along to keep the man.  

The idea of a book highlighting stories of black polyamorous women became a tiny spark.  Initially, I wanted to write a book that highlighted stories from black women and men, then I thought about a large amount of misogyny and patriarchal thinking within the community.   Yes, I thought people who are considered free-thinking surely must not subscribe to the societal views that a woman or femme presenting person's body and sexuality belongs to her.  I thought that male-identified individuals within this community don't assume that I as a solo-poly woman I'm a hoe or that I'm sleeping with everyone.  

There's another movement within the community of polygynous males that feel that entitlement to numerous women who will all cook, clean, raise the children, and give him unlimited access to their bodies for his sexual desires while he gives what? Protection? His manhood? Financial stability?   I've seen this attitude and thinking across several social media platforms and in groups that are open to polyamory.  To be brutally honest I don't consider polygyny or polygamy anything close to polyamory. Others will disagree and I think that's only because of the "poly" root word.  I may possibly go deeper into my feelings on this topic at a later date. 

So my question is how do we as a community actively remove these thoughts and behaviors in our community?  

Book Review: Polysecure: Attachment Trauma and Consensual NonMonogamy

 

I took a few days to fully process Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual NonMonogamy by Jessica Fern who is a polyamorous psychotherapist. It was very important to me that that the author is a polyamorous person and not just a person doing research with poly people. I appreciate the research being done, however someone who is actually living and learning as a polyamorous person holds more weight with me as a reader when discussing this particular topic. There have been several people who've written books on polyamory polyamorous that aren't even ethically non-monogamous and that just seems all wrong to me.

I stumbled across this book as I was searching for nonfiction books to read on Hoopla and the title immediately hit me. I read Polysecure for several reasons. The first reason is that I've been working on attachment and trauma in my personal therapy sessions. I also decided to read it because I wanted to understand how attachment therapy coincides with how I deal with my relationships. One of the aspects of the book that I like is it's written in a way that even a monogamous person can learn and use the concepts presented in the book.

As a matter a fact, the first part of the book strictly discusses attachment and the trauma response . The author discusses in detail about the several types of attachment theory and how we develop it during infancy and how that secure attachment or insecure attachment can affect your relationships going forward into adulthood. Polysecure expands our understanding of how our emotional experiences can influence our relationships, with an emphasis on our poly relationships. Now, that I've read the book I will be reading books that discuss attachment and trauma. I plan on purchasing a copy for myself and my partner. 

Happy 2021!!! What Next?

 

Hey everyone!, 

It's been a few months since I've written in the blog.  I definitely got caught up with life and the holiday season.  The planned post for  December never happened unfortunately.  One of my goals was to talk about the year and  do an end of the year type post.  I also normally write goals for my poly life and the blog. 

I feel like 2020 was just a crazy time for us all and I really don't want to take any more time to relive it so I'll speed right along and talk about some of my goals for the new year.   Immediately one of the goals that I thought of was to read and write more books on polyamory to review for the blog.  If you've been following the blog you know that I love reading anything that discusses polyamory or ethical non-monogamy.  A few of the titles that I've been reading and plan on reviewing soon are Polysecure: Attachment,Trauma and Nonmonogamy , Poly Land: My brutally honest adventures in polyamory and Polyamorous Love Letters.

On a more  personal note, one of my goal is to develop more intimate relationships with my partners through a cool game I found on social media called The Intimacy Deck by BestSelf Couple Card Game.  I've played the game during our video dates and it has made a big difference in learning things about my partner that I never knew. There are six different prompts that will spark up silly, inciteful or steamy conversations.  I plan on using it to get to know any of my new partners and will use it as an icebreaker. If you're interested in the game I suggest you Google it and purchase it from the retailer of your choice. 

Polyamorous Poetry

 

Hey everyone! Long time no see. Most of you don't know that I'm a writer.  I really love writing short stories but I also enjoy writing poetry when the mood hits.  I wrote a short story involving polyamorous characters a few years ago but it was never published in the anthology that it was going to be in.  I'm considering posting it to my blog for you guys. If you'd like to read it please leave a comment and I'll post. it.  The short story isn't what this post is about however, sorry to go off on a tangent lol.   

I want to post a poem that I wrote recently called "Comet".  The definition of a comet in the polyamorous community means " A person that passes through your life repeatedly who is intense and awesome, and when gone you are still in contact with that person in some way, but they are not a continuous partner.” 

Last week I thought about a few of my past relationships and I realize that they were/are comets. I wrote this poem shortly after that. 

   Comet

I'm coming in hot and fast

Speeding towards you when

I can fly by your part of the country.

But I don't want to only come

around once in awhile.

I want to be your star in the night sky.

I want you to see me constantly.

I don't want to be your comet

Only encountering you once

in awhile.

When I crash to your part of

the earth, it's heat.

Non-stop fire between us.

Dazzling and beautiful 

we crash into each other like

Star crossed lovers...my Comet

I blaze into your atmosphere......

I remain hot because you ignite a flame in me so hot that

I burn bright until I see you 

again...my comet. 

                                       

                

Romance in a Long Distance Relationship

 

Hey ya'll! As most of you know, most of my relationships are long distance.  As a poly individual, being long distance has it's benefits as well as having it's downsides. I've written about that in a prior post but I wanted to highlight romance and romantic relationships that are long distance. I truly believe that old adage "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."   The Rona has made it hard to see my partners as frequently as I use to. Everyone was very worried about my safety with traveling so our plans were put off. 

I'm a romantic at heart. I seriously love showing my partners attention by giving gifts or send special personalized things their way to let them know I love them and I'm thinking about them.  I'm currently in a new long distance relationship with a wonderful woman who has made me want to send all the gifts and cute little things to brighten her day. 

I've been wanting to strengthen the connection as well as send gifts to let her know that I'm thinking of her.  I found a few more ideas online on how to be romantic with your LDR partner(s). Some of them are: 

1. Send good morning texts
2. Plan date nights
3. Send photo texts
4. Pay attention on phone calls
5. Send a care package
6. Surprise him/her with a visit
7. Always have the next visit planned
8. Make sure to laugh together
9. Video chat with one another
10. Send an email or snail mail love letter
11. Talk, text/email romantically

As I searched the Internet for ideas, I found this site that gave 50 Long Distance Relationship Ideas to keep the Spark Alive.

Probably one of  the first websites that I learned about revolving around Long Distance Relationships was Loving From A Distance.  This site is full of gift ideas, forums and advice for people who are in long distance relationships. The only issue I've seen so far is that the site primarily caters to monogamous relationships. I've seen a few posts within the forums that have questions about poly long distance relationships but overall it is monogamist centered. I hope this helped you in maintaining the romance in your long distance relationship or even given you the courage to start a long distance relationship. 

"Trying Polyamory"

Hey ya'll! It's been awhile but I'm back.  How's everyone been doing and functioning during COVID a.k.a. "The Rona"?  I've been attempting to just function in my everyday life with work and family. I've developed a new relationship with a wonderful woman and a few of my relationships have fell by the wayside and transitioned.    If I would have wrote that this time last year I don't think I'd be so calm or brave. I've had some growing up to do and soul searching as well as realizing nothing really lasts forever and time truly heals all wounds.

Okay so let's get into this topic. A friend of mine posted a meme on social media a few weeks ago that made me want to write about this topic.  It's not like I haven't seen this " My boyfriend/spouse wants to "try" polyamory what should we do?  I used to be very sympathetic in the beginning until I realized the potential damage to the community and other people.  Most people who want to try polyamory don't do any research  and they don't read books or articles on polyamory/non-monogamy, so they go into it totally blind.

Going blind into different situations can be okay but I feel like just jumping into polyamory can hurt people emotionally in the long run.  You definitely have to unlearn monogamy. Monogamy is so ingrained into us that we can make mistakes and won't realize that we've made a mistake until it's done damage to the person you didn't want to hurt.

In my opinion I've become a better person and partner by reading books and articles on polyamory. I've also been listening to Polyamory Weekly, which is a podcast that discusses topics around polyamory.  Now don't get me wrong, I've learned from experiences as well,but it's been with that  knowledge that I learned how to recognize and fix the problems in a healthy manner.     My favorite saying is "Trying polyamory without reading and studying is like jumping into the deep end of the pool and you don't know how to swim."

It's as simple as that.   Some people try to learn just by group interactions, that could ultimately be a failure because groups may not discuss all the topics you want to learn so you're stuck with a limited amount of knowledge.  Why would you limit yourself? Being self aware is sexy!

What Polyamory WON'T fix......

I saw this meme and I knew I needed to write a post about it.  I know that there's people out here who have tried to use polyamory for several reasons. I've heard examples of using it to spice up their marriage,to date without feelings or because they have a broken heart etc.  But this meme say so much about how people view polyamory overall.  People don't view polyamory as valid.  I had to sit and really mentally chew on this because I see so many examples of newbies and people who want to "try" polyamory without doing work on self  FIRST.  News Flash: It's not a relationship band-aid! And it's not a personal band-aid to place over a broken heart.

Polyamory has been a personal journey for me. Within the last 6 years I've had to grow and learn and unlearn so much bullshit that I've been taught by family and society surrounding relationships, love and commitment.   I try to tell anyone who's interested in polyamory/non monogamy that they should  first start with examining the reasoning behind wanting to explore polyamory. Because for some people they believe that polyamory will fix some or all of these issues in their lives. Polyamory will not only highlight your issues but it will push them to the forefront and in your face, sometimes with serious consequences.  Here's my personal take on it all :


Unhappiness- Let me tell you something baby,polyamory can't fix you or any of your problems within yourself or your partner. If you're having relationship issues and either one of you decide to bring a third into the relationship for "fun" a.k.a sex, it will end up in disaster.

Emptiness- More people will never make you feel complete!!!  Multiple relationships require you to be present and it requires more work.  If you're ultimately unhappy with yourself, how will you have a happy positive experience with multiple people?

Limits- Personally I had to learn my limitations. I'm big on energy and connecting with like minded dope ass people but polyamory made me examine my limits on how many relationships I could sustain in a healthy manner.

Breakups- For anyone who's read my blog knows I've dealt with breakups. Polyamory doesn't stop break ups and it definitely doesn't the pain surrounding them.

Cheating and Lying- Hmm, I haven't had any personal instances of this situation but I can say if someone has made an agreement with a partner or partners and they change their mind and they go against the agreement and once confronted they lie about it, the lies definitely can and will damage the relationship. Lies hurt any type of relationship.

Jealousy-  I hear so many people say I can't be polyamorous because I'm jealous or Do you ever feel jealous?  To be honest jealousy can still be present while you're in polyamorous relationships.  Polyamory doesn't change how you feel or how you process emotions. I've learned how to process jealousy and the feelings that mask it. It does take a lot of self work.

Abuse- Abuse can and does happen in unhealthy relationships and being poly doesn't fix it. It can be verbal, mental and even sexual abuse.  I've said this so many times to myself and others, being poly doesn't change people. Unhealthy behaviors doesn't stop just because you've decided that you want to have more than one partner.

Loneliness- Last but not least loneliness. Adding multiple people and being in multiple relationships are a temporary fix for loneliness. At the end of the day you will still have to go back home or they will go home and then what? Back at square one.  Polyamory won't fix this issue but it may highlight the why behind feeling this way.  Therapy and some self examination only fixes this and all the other issues that are highlighted here.

Polyamory and Jealousy: A More than Two Essential Guide

Hey everyone! I'm back with another book review.  Let me just say how excited I was to find this through my local library. I use an app called Hoopla which is available for residents to take out e-books, audio books, movies etc.  Generally trying to find anything that's not mainstream or alternative relationships is difficult so shout out to them.

Okay, let's get on with this awesome book.  Polyamory and Jealousy: A more than Two Essential Guide by Eve Rickert is basically an additional short guide about jealousy in polyamory and how to manage it. It's a companion to, More than Two. I sing  More than Two's praises and I feel like it's one of the first books that someone interested in polyamory or non-monogamy should read.  More than Two has extensive chapters on issues that come up like jealousy but because so many people who read it  had much more questions and the author wanted to be able to give more personal examples and more tips and tricks and this was how this 200 page guide came about.

On a personal level, I don't struggle with jealousy often.  I have had situations that made me feel jealous but after truly reading More than Two and processing reasons WHY I felt jealous in those situations things made more sense. Now when I feel that inkling, I take a step back and reevaluate what's going on.

Jealousy is a shape-shifter, it masquerades as other emotions.  Some of these emotions may be:

• fear
• loneliness
• loss
• sadness
• anger
• betrayal
• envy
• humiliation 
•  

I'd like to share a few of the quotes from the book that truly hit home for me:

"There is a difference between jealous feelings and jealous actions......The actions we take are OUR responsibility."

"Jealous feelings come from a sense of loss, or fear of it."

"Jealous actions are usually attempts to take back control over the feelings we're afraid of."

" Jealousy undermines intimacy by telling your partner that you don't trust him/her"

"When we feel that we have lost control over our own lives, we often try to take it back by controlling others."

" Sometimes jealousy triggers come as a complete surprise, which is why trying to prevent your partners from doing things that trigger jealousy doesn't work." 

The guide also gave us a  few strategies for dealing with jealousy, they are as follows:

Step 1# Accept the feelings

Step 2# Ask for Support

Step 3# Separate triggers from causes

Step 4# Understand the feelings

Step 5# Talk about it

I ended up learning more about jealousy and even seeing myself and my partners in these examples. Of course every topic that was discussed can be a separate chapter and can be discussed more thoroughly. Jealousy within polyamory has always been an issue. It takes a considerable amount of work to truly work through these feelings.    How do you deal with jealousy in your relationship(s)? Do you work through it? Do you feel like this guide will help you?

 

 

 

Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to get It Laurie Mintz By (Book Review)

Hey everyone, I decided to share my review of  this book after realizing how important sexuality and being satisfied sexually is in polyamorous relationships because come on ya'll sex is going to happen unless all of your partners are asexual, and then again some sexy times might happen....
I wrote this review on a site called Goodreads.    This is my review from the site:

I’m going to praise this book despite the fact that I started out ever so naively thinking it was only geared for those who can’t have an orgasm. I was very naive to think that most women were having  orgasms and not having these problems with partners. For the most part it’s for women to learn and embrace their bodies enough to have an orgasm during partnered sex. The author, who’s a college professor that teaches the psychology of human sexuality did a wonderful job.  The book explains and shows why most women can’t orgasm from penis in vagina sex. It also goes into historically why women’s orgasms haven’t been valued. The fact of the matter is that male orgasms have always been valued. Not just valued but intercourse(penis in vagina sex) is solely seen as “sex” and the sequence of male thrusting is the end.  The author also was very inclusive of Lesbian women and their relationships even though most lesbians don’t deal with these problems she still emphasized the need for female partners to pay attention and communicate.  Becoming clitererate also discussed the other important C word...Communication. Communication is definitely necessary for both parties in discovering their needs and wants.  My only issue with this book that she made a whole section for men. The section literally said the same thing the rest of her books said. Why would men need a section when they can just read the book?  I also found these twelve commandments and thought they were important as well. The 12 Commandment for Orgasm Equality and Quality Sex Whenever I see lies about female sexuality being perpetuated, I will do my best to correct them and educate those around me. I will educate others about female anatomy and pleasure I will cease to use non-equality based sexual language. I will not use the word "sex" and "intercourse" synonymously, and I will not refer to clitoral stimulation as "foreplay". I will not use the word "vagina" to represent all of a woman's genitals. I will also do my best to correct others' language.  I will use the word "clitoris" and all it's variations openly and proudly in conversations. I will use the term "making a sexual debut" and define  this as a person's first orgasm with a sexual partner. I will not slut shame other women, and I will do my best to confront others who do. I will not tell jokes about penis size, and I will do my best to confront others who do. I will do my very best to love my body and appreciate it's amazing abilities, including it's capacity for sexual pleasure. I will continue to pleasure myself, and I will educate other women on the benefits of self love. I will take a pleasure-oriented rather than a goal-oriented, view of sex.  I will choose the type of sex I want to engage in, and whatever that is, I will use both my knowledge of myself and my communication skills to make it as satisfying as it can be, with the focus on an equitable giving and receiving of pleasure., Throughout my life, I will continue my erotic education, including seeking solutions to sexual problems as they arise.

What is a Partner?

Hey everyone, I've been pondering this topic and after an interesting conversation I want to examine how we define who is a partner.  I've used the term partner in the past to mean someone that I'm involved with. I guess you can say the concern and entanglement that comes along with it.

 My partners are people who I really care for on so many levels. They are people who I want to hear about what's going on with work, their friends and family and they're also people that I have sex and  intimacy with. They are the people who I've cried with, laughed with and shared myself with in very deep levels.    I don't call just anyone my partner and I don't get involved with people without thinking about their potential in my life.

I asked this question to members of my group of black non monogamous queers and received some very affirming yet different answers, Some of them included:

"I  typically use partner for people who i have long-term life entanglements with, and take them into account when making big decisions.

"I use partner for people I'm in a romantic relationship with"

"After negotiations. We have to physically sit down and agree and talk about anniversary expectations."

I've also called my favorite people my Boos and my Baes.  On a personal note their really wasn't a full on conversation as to WHEN we would start calling ourselves partners. It was more after several months of interactions both in person and on the phone.  But I constantly come back to the monogamist idea of needing those titles as a way to distinguish from just a friend or a close friend.   How do you define partners?

Love in the time of the Corona Virus

Hey y'all I just wanted to do a quick post on handling your poly loves during this time. The title is a play on a book and movie title that got me inspired to write about being in poly relationships during social distancing. It's been hard on me because I'm not able to travel and all  of my partners are long distance. 

A few visits have been pushed back even farther as a precaution. It's definitely a good idea to keep everyone safe but I've been needing my partners more than I've wanted to admit. I guess I'm touched deprived. I'm normally not touching anyone but I have a social life so those social interactions help me get my dosage of "people". I'm an ambivert and I need my personal alone time to recharge my social battery but lately I've been recharging and just trying to deal with not being around people.

A week ago  came across an online community for people in long distance relationships called lovingfromadistance.com while I was looking for new cool gift ideas of activities to do with my boos. The first thing I noticed within the community was that it was monogamy centered.  I felt slightly let down so I searched the forums and only saw one post about Polyamory/Ethical Non-Monogamy.   On a positive note they have so many article on activities, gift ideas and questions you can ask to get to know  your LDR babe.

In my opinion I'd say just weed through all of the stuff that may not pertain to you or the things that don't interest you.  I'm definitely gonna take advantage of some of the games and gift ideas to let my special people know how much I miss them.

 

The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory (Book Review)

I initially was skeptical to start this book even though I heard the author discuss it on one of my favorite podcasts, Polyamory Weekly.   Then years later I  found  for free at my local  library both as an eBook and audio book, I started reading  it as an  E-book but found that it was easier to listen to it during the day at work. Normally I  like the voice of the person reading  the book, but I'm not sure  how I felt about the person who read this book.
She read it like she was reading a steamy sex novel and not a nonfiction book about non monogamy and alternative lifestyles.  I was slightly irked.

My main pet peeves about this book are that I feel like the title is a misnomer. The title makes it seems that this book is geared towards women looking to get into polyamory when in fact that's not it. I was highly disappointed when I found that out as I read further.  The book is for newbies and those looking to open their relationship up however.   Also a passage in the book seemed more "tone policing" in my opinion. The author said she started a "Just Be Nice" campaign in regards to disagreements or conflicts with partners.
The "Just Be Nice" campaign basically is being  nice no matter how you're feeling in your relationship for 90 days. 

I was shaking my head and thinking the whole time while reading this. Just ignore your feelings and put on a fake smile and be nice?  That's not a healthy way of communicating and it's pretty passive aggressive.  I think I'd be upset if one of my partners put on a fact smile no matter how they were feeling then months later tells me how mad I'd made them or how hurt they were by my comments.

What Did I like about the book?
I liked that the book had exercises at the end of the chapter pertaining to the topic that you can work through on your own. Most books have separate workbooks that you have to purchase to be able to even work through all the topics that you might want to revisit and spend time processing.  I also liked that the author included the LGBTQ community and POC in the conversation. I'm definitely for inclusion.


All in all I was pretty disappointed in the book. I wouldn't recommend it a person trying to get into polyamory at all.

Transitioning Relationships

I've been going back and forth with myself on how I should write about this topic. Over the last several weeks I've been  trying to think of a word or name for someone who's now my friend that I've been in a relationship with previously but now we're more than friends.  Whew that sounds like a mouthful right? But I have relationships like this, relationships that have transitioned into something other than friendship but not a partnership. They may or may not include romance or sex.  While I was considering how to frame that very question and what specific name I should give to this type of relationship one of my partners decided that we should be just be friends due to life circumstances.

This transition has been rough for me. I have so many feelings surrounding this relationship and this relationship transitioning because of my strong feelings for this person and how I envisioned us in the future.  I've cried and been sad and honestly mourned over this transition. I had so many questions why the relationship needed to transition  but I had to come to the conclusion that relationships end and sometimes they transition but nothing lasts forever. I became curious about how others navigated these types of relationships so I posed this question to members of one of my online poly groups. I'm happy that I did because I  came out it with even more insight.  I also had more questions surrounding the topic of transitioning relationships and what it meant to me on a personal level.

I had to unpack why I felt the need to put any type of title on these people in my life? Some of the most important questions were:

• Why  I need specific titles for people who I'm involved with in whatever capacity whether romantic or sexual?
• Do I have that need  for specific titles because of monogamous thinking?
• Did I actually take this need from when I was monogamous, Is it something subconscious?  
• How do those titles play any significance in my life as a polyamorous person? 

I'm a solo polyamorist but I also have some Relationship Anarchy leanings.  I found this quote about relationship anarchy and it spoke to me.

"Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything - it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you."  ~Andie Nordgren

One part really hit home for me. I don't necessarily need any titles for the special people in my life because it's all about designing my own commitments with those specific people.

What's going on in 2020?

One of my many goals this year is to attend poly events, mainly those that center black/POC people. If I can't cultivate that space and experience here then I'll travel to other states to attend these events. I saw an article posted in a group on Facebook and wanted to share with anyone who was interested.

The full article is here. It list events all across the country and world but I'd like to focus on those events that are centering us. Here is the list so far:

Atlanta Poly Weekend  June 2020 in downtown Atlanta. Here's a link to their home page link.

Black Poly Pride  June 4-7th 2020  Washington, D.C.  Here's a link to their Facebook page for more info.

Poly Dallas Symposium  July 9-10th  2020 Dallas, TX link to their website.

I'd like like to attend all of the events but I know I can't. Let me know what events you plan on attending. Also, if there are any events that you'd like to add please let me know.

Happy Poly 2020

At the end of last month, I planned to do a whole "year in review" sort of thing but as I tried to find words to encapsulate how I felt about the year those words never really came to me. So I deleted the draft today and started over. I've decided to free write all of my blogs and then edit them. I think I've been writing from a writer's point of view and not from a person's point of view. I've noticed my writing can be a bit like I'm writing an article and not speaking to someone.  That's the purpose of freewriting. I'd like to show more of my personality and who I am overall with my writing as well as inspire other POC polyamorous/non-monogamous folks to blog about their lives and experiences.

So what can I say about last year besides the fact that it had its ups and downs? Well, I ended a relationship, started a relationship and picked back up the lost relationship. That sounds like too much right? Lol, it was but then again it wasn't. Some of my relationships got stronger. I learned a few things about myself along the way as well.  Every year I learn more about the person I am and the people who love and support me.   I've been brimming with pride and love most. Some people will never know or understand how it feels to have more than one person who truly loves you. More than one person you can celebrate all of your triumphs with, More than one person to visit and experience different things with.  It feels absolutely amazing!!!

After a year of being the group owner for Black & Poly Cleveland, I decided to step down and disband the group. I felt sad but I was also frustrated. After a whole year, people still weren't showing up to the meetups. I thought maybe it was the location or time then I realized no matter what any time or location won't be good for some people. We may not be ready for this here in Northeastern Ohio, no matter how many people say that they are. People, especially us black and brown folks, just aren't out and doing things within polyamory. I would blame certain things like conservative living and the weather but I won't. I simply wasn't going to waste more time and energy on the group. I did meet a few cool people along the way and the overall experience was positive. I'm grateful for the experience and will add to the "life experiences" pile.

Stay tuned because I think this year will hold more experiences and adventures.